Akatsuki Bender Blender
by Metal Butter
Summary: Akatsuki gets genderbended, but this genderbender is-not?-unlike any of the other ones. Omakes, insert heres, and more!
1. Prologue: Smoothies!

**Akatsuki Bender Blender**

**Prologue: SMOOTHIES  
><strong>

**~(insert disclaimer here).**

It was a cold morning in the Akatsuki base. Granted, the apartment generally had drafts coming in, even in the summer (which is questionable for the organization's health, Hidan's whiny complaints aside), so this morning was not very different from the other ones, temperature-wise.

Insert boring monologue here.

Itachi and Kisame, having gotten back from a mission (fighting for the last box of Twinkies in the grocer) in the wee hours of the morning, retired shortly to their beds in blindness and weariness, respectively (hey, those anorexic teens can put up a _fight_).

Sasori and Deidara were up and in the kitchen, quietly arguing ("Fleeting, un!" "Eternal, brat.") and eating leftover sweets.

Zetsu was. . .somewhere(insert cannibalism joke here).

Hidan and Kakuzu were snoring peacefully. Well, Hidan was snoring in his bed and Kakuzu was mumbling about money in his sleep.

Tobi was sleeping. Tobi is a good boy as long as he's quiet.

Pein and Konan were in their respective rooms, staring up at their ceilings in quietness, pondering the day's adventures. Okay, yesterday's adventures, seeing as it was morning and nothing crazy had happened yet.

Insert self-assurance of security here.

. . .

Then. . .

. . .

. . ._** BAM! **_ (Yes, that word was just capitalled, underlined, italicized, and boldened for emphasis.)

There was a random explosion that shook the Akatsuki base to its drafty foundations.

**(In an alternate dimension. . .omake introducing cliche surfer!Narrator)**

"&*#! WHO THE *!&^# MADE THAT #*^* EXPLOSION? DEIDARA YOU *&^# $&*$^* SHEMALE! #*^#%!"

"Wasn't me, un,"mumbled Deidara the riiighteous blonde dude, dude.

"Shut up, Hidan," everybody righteously choruses. Konan and Pein righteously bury their heads under their pillows, man.

"JASHIN-SAMA WILL #*&^ YOUR $#*&$ $$#$!" Nobody could go back to sleep now, and woah, what was that explosion, dude? Riiighteous.

And then they all get righteously mad and then righteously sad, dude, and then after that they're like, woahhh, trippin' balls, man, and forget all their righteous problems.

Righteous end of Chapter One. Woahhh, bro.

**A~N: The above surfer-talk paragraph is probably a summary of everything. Ever. You may take it as you will, but that is what it is.**


	2. Chapter 1: Shakes!

**Chapter One: Shakes!**

**(Insert disclaimer here.)**

* * *

><p>Five hours, a botched-up sacrifice ritual, a sweet-less refrigerator("See, even the dango is fleeting, un!"), two dead mailmen and a tantrum later, the Akatsuki was settled in the living room.*<p>

"WHAT THE _chocolate_ HAPPENED? MY _smelling_ RITUAL WAS _beautifully_ INTERRUPTED FOR THIS?"

"Hn."

"Stupid Uchiha, un!"

"Don't talk about Itachi like that," Kisame said.

"I'll hate him if I want to, un!"

"Hn. You all lack hatred."

Insert long argument ending with explosion here.

"Shut up, you're giving me a headache," Pein patiently said.

Everybody shut their mouths.

"Konan, what really happened?" Our beloved Leader-sama asked.

"I do not know. As I was staring at the ceiling, I felt my bed shake, and when I surveyed the room to see what exactly shook the bed, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I screamed. This was followed by many other screams around the building. Feminine screams," Konan's (now weirdly deep)voice was heard all over the room. Insert undecisive fangirls here.

"Tobi didn't scream! Tobi is a good b—" Tobi was corrected by Zetsu, who Tobi thanked.

"Hey, the _crap_ did _fudging_ scream, like the _fudging_ rest of us _prettily_ did!" Hidan's words are censored due to the author being a young girl who feels uncomfortable with cussing.

"I didn't scream," Sasori said.

"Ahaha, Danna totally screamed, un."

"I did not, brat. Quiet."

"I felt an earthquake, un, but nothing shook or fell, Leader-sama. Un."

"Nobody felt anything," Pein deadpanned.

"That earthquake-explosion turned you into what you are now, un! After all, art is a bang!"

"Art is eternal, so its beauty will be remembered forever!"

"Fleeting!"

"Eternal!"

Everybody simultaneously groaned, dude. Righteous.

Cliche Surfer Narrator, what are you doing here?

Nothing, dude. Peace out, brah.

. . .

That was odd.

Insert speculation of random narrator appearance here.

Anyway.

"I told you guys to shut up," Pein said.

Silence once again.

"So, give us your accounts of what happened this morning, three o'clock."

Deidara opened his mouth.

* * *

><p><strong>A~N: *I might make something for this argument. How about a collection of the arguments Akatsuki ever had, along with no plotline? Sounds like it's already been done, though. searches.**


	3. Chapter 2: Cokes!

**Chapter Two: Cokes**

**(Insert disclaimer here.)**

* * *

><p>"Well, Leader-sama, I was checking in the refrigerator for more dango, un, and when I couldn't find any, un, I went back to the kitchen table and told Sasori-no-danna that there wasn't any dango anymore, so we started arguing—"Deidara was promptly cut off by an irate Sasori.<p>

"Objection—"

"Is this some sort of courtroom? **There are fresh mailmen on the doorstep**," Zetsu, who had just entered, cutour favourite redhead(not Gaara) off. "**Should I bring them in?"**

Pein facepalmed. "Yes, please, Zetsu."

Zetsu left once more.

"Why does the _princess queer_ get to start the _unicorn_ story first?" Hidan wanted to know.

"We take turns, Hidan," Kakuzu patted the Jashinist patronizingly on the head. The Miser then continued to count money. Zetsu returned with a mailman under each arm and entered the kitchen.

"Oi, _diving_ Miser, you _illegitimate child, _just wait until Jashin brings down_ hot place_ over your head, you _pretty_ greedy little_ female dog._"

"Hn," Itachiko (unfemininely)grunted. "Quiet, the Weasel Lords are talking to me; they say I have a mission."

They all stared at him. Zetsu stood off in a corner of the living room.

An awkward silence ensued. A gay baby named Sai was reincarnated.

. . .

. . .

. . .

"Anyway, un—"

"Deidara told me the dango was _fleeting_, but since food is _not_ art—"

"I disagree, food is art, **human corpses are masterpieces**—"

"Let Deidara finish," was the scary (high-pitched?)command.

"The minute I sat down, I felt an explosion, un, and I looked at Sasori-no-danna."

The silence encouraged him to continue.

"Then I told him, 'You look like a _girl_, now, danna, although I don't feel any different, have I changed?' and he-she looked at me, _offended_, un! As if I would lie, un!"*

"You would, brat."

Insert punch-and-complain combination here.

"Hn."

"The same thing pretty much happened to us, Leader-sama," a now-female Kisame(who would've thought she'd be attractive?) reported. "The only difference was that we were tired and ready to sleep, but we needed breakfast first; we were really hungry." Itachi 'hn'ed in agreement. "Itachi was seriously needing his dango. When he heard there was no dango, he crumpled to the floor, broken down and sobbing. The next second, the he-weasel became a she-weasel, and I turned into a dolphi—a woman."

Everybody applauded Kisame's dramatic story. She bowed. "Thank you, thank you."

Insert author's jealousy-laden remark here.

Insert author's denial of jealousy here.

"MY _dazzling_ TURN, _female dogs_!" Hidanko**(-ko is traditionally added to the end of a male name for childishness or girliness in genderbending,[e.g.,Kyonko, Itsuko] the author thinks)** **screeched.

Everybody groaned and whined in their heads, but listened to the silverette's account of the story.

"So, I woke up. It was a sacrificial day, right? So I went out to kill a _glittering_ mailman at _glimmering_ three o'clock, for my ritual. After I got the_ excrement-enlaced _mail, I got hungry, so I thought, 'Hey, why the _love_ not?'"

She grinned as she remembered her hunger and left the room, went to the kitchen, got a Twinkie, went back to the living room, and bit into it, the other Akatsuki members watching her every step and Kakuzu still counting money. "Oi, you _beautiful fairies_, stop ogling my _beautiful_ _posterior_!"

Deidara's face was red, Kisame was purple, and Itachiko had the smallest tinge of pink on her cheeks (Yes, the manly instincts are still there).

"So as I was going for some _shining_ food, I noticed a letter sent for Leader-_chan._" Pein was disgruntled. Come to think of it, Pein: The Enhanced Female Version sort of looked like her Animal Path, only with the hair down. Insert author's ignorance about comparing Pein to a young girl here.

"I didn't care much about it, so I just continued on my merry-_freezing_ way. Then I just had a sort of nagging feeling that something changed about my body. I looked down, and, woah, I had some huge_ doorknobs_."

"That's sexist, un."

"I don't_ flowering_ care."

"Tobi is a good girl," said the (surprisingly)quiet masked ma—girl.

"I agree," Zetsu agreed._ I agree_, she agreed.

"Tobi's story was not very different, sempai. Tobi was just waking up and then, when Tobi went to the bathroom to take a shower, she looked in the mirror and squealed."

"Figures, un."

"Quiet, brat."

"Yes, danna, un."

"Tobi was a girl now, so sempai would finally like her! Tobi was so happy, she started dancing! After all, Deidara-sempai likes girls, right, sempai?"

Deidara turned as red as Hidanko's floor after a sacrifice.

"I'm hungry."

Everybody shrank away from Zetsu(ka), who had unnoticeably moved to the couch.

"As for our story, we were happily tending to our roses **and our prized ficus**, when we** got hungry**. (It is odd that almost everybody got hungry **at the same time)**. Since **we had not eaten since last night**, we decided to **kill some mailmen and eat them.** It turned out that** the mailman decided to bring his friends.** We heard a bunch of **annoying** screams as we were eating our **third helping**." Everybody(except for Zetsuka and Kakuzu[Kakuza?]) shuddered.

"Alright then. That was disturbing," Pein(ko) said. "Dismissed. You may go now. Konan, meet me in my office."

Murmuring, the Akatsuki went to the kitchen for their breakfast.

"Tobi is a good girl!"

"SHUT THE_ cake_ UP, YOU LITTLE _female dog_!"

Insert page break here.

(**Getting Breakfast omake)**

"Now, now, Itachi, we'll buy some more dango," Kisame comforted the (now crying)weasel.

"No, you won't," Kakuza said.

"Would you rather she use Amaterasu?" Kisame countered.

Kakuza relented reluctantly, relapsingly. Insert other words starting with 'rel-' here.

"Hn."

"I bet a hundred ryo Kakuza goes soft by the end of the weekend, Hidan, un," Deidara whispered to Hidanko.

"You're on, _fruit_!"

"What's this about a bet?" Money appealed to Kakuza. She'd heard only the words 'hundred ryo', 'soft', and 'weekend', and hoped that it was about marshmallows. Marshmallows would certainly be soft.

Insert desire for smores here.

"Nothing, un."

"I'll give you money." Which he needed, but it was all worth it for a good bet.

"Okay, un."

Insert exchange of precious money from and to different hands here, with a bill dropping several times, and one being stuck to Kakuza's hand, since she had glued it to her hand(beforehand). It was a one hundred, don't judge her.

Unfortunately, Kakuza neglected to think this time. Maybe she's gone senile?

"It's a bet about how fast the Twinkies disappear, un." Hidanko nodded in agreement with the only boy in Akatsuki—apart from Konan.

Kakuza blinked. That was certainly nothing to bet about.

"So, we'll just be going, then, un!" Hidanko and Deidara rushed off to hide in various areas.

Kakuza stared at their dust clouds with her senile-evil-old-woman stare. Oh, they'd regret it. She would just have to see about raising the interest to 1000%.***

* * *

><p><strong>A~N- *As if Deidara would lie to his Danna. SASODEI FTW!<strong>

****At least, that's what the author thinks.**

*****Needless to say, by the end of the week, Deidara had to pay 5,000,000 ryo in exchange for the 50 he had been given.**

**Crying!Itachi is certainly OOC.**


	4. Chapter 3: Orangeades!

**Chapter Three: Orangeades**

**A~N: ~҉~ is a pretty symbol. Also, since I would like to complete an actual disclaimer, here it is:**

"**I, the author, solemnly vow not to steal Kishimoto's property, since it is his and not mine. I, the author, wish it was. Insert sob here."**

* * *

><p>Deidara was slowly going insane. Okay, yes, he was a crazy terrorist bomber obsessed with art, but, that aside, he was slowly being eaten from the inside.<p>

The dog(who knew they had a dog?) had eaten his clay.

He'd given it the Heimlich maneuver, stomped on its stomach, reached down its throat, its eyes bulging comically in the process, even threatened Kakuzu to slice its stomach open, opened his pouch to check if there was any clay left, found none, threw a tantrum, and stomped into the kitchen.

Insert author's "I am against animal cruelty" apology here.

Kisame and Itachiko were somewhere, resting. Zetsuka was in the greenhouse, fretting over her plants. Tobi was pestering her. Kakuza was off bounty hunting. Hidanko, or more accurately, Hidanko's head was hanging from the lamp in the hallway, screaming and swearing, whilst trying hard to reach, let alone touch her body, which was propped up on the wall. Peinko and Konan were discussing matters. They'd all took a strike at him for staying male, splitting his eardrums(it had felt like) in the process.

Anyway, back to the kitchen.

Sasori was there. Our favorite puppet was silently doing something to a small doll-thing. She had a half-eaten Twinkie on a _plate_ beside her. How Sasori could eat, nobody knows. Knew. Will know? I don't know. (Ba-dum, pssh!)

Deidara retrieved some food and sat across from Sasori.

He stared at her. No response.

He started chewing with his mouth open. No response.

He sneezed loudly. No response.

He poked her. No response.

He reached out to touch the doll.

Deidara was thrown across the room, a million poison needles only an inch from his neck. Oh, and Sasori's face was near his. Uncomfortably so.

"Hands off my puppet, Brat."

Somebody screamed in the distance.

Insert mushy awkward scene ending with a not-so-silent fart here.

They got up. No, trained killers are not embarrassed. Ever.

Sasori returned to the table, wiped the doll off with some cloth that came out of nowhere, and continued fiddling with it.

Deidara followed her and continued munching his food.

As the only one in the Akatsuki who'd kept their gender, Deidara mused, silence is to be cherished.

abbabbabbabbabb

Konan was, because the author was too lazy to find a thesaurus, creeped out.

Peinko had been batting her eyelashes, twirling her hair around a finger, and even gotten close up in his face for the last ten minutes.

Nagato hadn't exhibited this kind of behavior when they were kids. Neither did Yahiko, heck, even Konan didn't act like this when she had had that itty bitty crush on their(now deceased, bless him) orange-haired friend.

So why was honored Leader-_chan_* flirting like a teenager? Flirting with _**Konan**_, no less.

Insert author slyly allowing readers to ponder this and returning to the story.

"Anyway, Konan-_kun_, it's very odd that everybody got hungry at the same time. Didn't anybody eat dinner last night?" _No,_ Konan thought. Zetsu had cooked a huge hunk of meatloaf, which smelled funny, and had a raw egg that still had its shell in the center. Everybody just gave it to Pein, who'd _enjoyed_ it, and Tobi, whoever was closer. "I really liked it. Did you?" Oh, Kami. Pein and Tobi were developing tastes for human flesh meatloaf.

". . ." was the reply.

"Oh, don't be shy."

"No."

"Oh."

Suddenly, Peinko returned to Leader-_sama_ mode, becoming actually professional.

Insert Konan's sigh of relief here.

"What is your conclusion?" she asked.

"I fear that it is an irreversal jutsu, although there is some chance of wearing off."

"I see. Call Kakuza in."

Konan left, shuddering the minute that door closed behind him. Bad memories, dude. Not you again. Fine, brah, I was just leaving.

He left Hidanko's head hanging on the lamp.

"NOOO! KONAN! _Icing_ help me! _Cake_!"

**(The adventures of Hidanko, or, more appropriately, Hidanko's head omake)**

Hidanko had had it up to here. To fully let you know where she would be indicating, she would need a body, one that was actually attached to her_ head_, and since hers was propped up on the wall, she was supposed to be pointing to her neck.

And oh, let her tell you, it was extremely embarrassing to be rescued by _Tobi_ of all people.

She'd passed by, bouncing and extremely adorable(snort), helped Hidanko, although she had forced the silverette to wear a shirt, of all things. Oh well, it would be needed. Jashin approved of women's chasteness.

Our heroine was now stomping around, looking for Kakuza, and waving her scythe around. It would be bloodied, indeed. Tonight, we dine on dango.

After all, nobody would hear the sound of millions of bills screaming, begging for mercy.

(Why Hidanko would dare to touch her partner's money is unknown. Perhaps she lost a few brain cells while being repaired by Tobi.)

In the end, the immortal reaperess was again decapitated, regretting laying a single finger on that lighter, which in turned led to laying a few more fingers on that door, and, by the time Kakuza had caught her, she had lost control of all her fingers entirely.

* * *

><p><strong>A~N:*This is going to continue for a few more chapters, with Leader-sama being emphasized as Leader-chan.<strong>

**Review? Insert puppy eyes here.**


	5. Chapter 4: Iced Coffees!

**Chapter Four: Iced Coffees!**

**Although I do not think Iced Coffee(I just capitalized it, deal with it) is necessarily a blended drink, I would marry Iced Coffee if it was a dude. And if I was old enough. Like, thirty-nine years old. **

**Insert disclaimer here. Check Chapter Three for full disclaimer.**

* * *

><p>Kisame was glad Itachi was past his hormone-filled puberty, when he'd found out that his partner wasn't childlike at the age of fourteen. He'd been impressed by the ANBU Captain at thirteen part, though, but nonetheless, he was grateful.<p>

Today, of all days, was the same. Even more so.

Actually, Kisame was scared she'd be subjected to a nasty genjutsu the minute she'd told everybody that Itachi(ko) had cried. She'd prepared herself to receive a full-on Tsukuyomi, even.

So, why did she tell everybody?

Our favourite Kiri-nin(not Zabuza, Haku, Suigetsu or anybody else other than Kisame) was thinking along these lines.

"Why not? Itachi(ko) isn't a god(dess), for all anybody knows. I mean, everybody needs a little humiliation now and then, right?"

Ignore the fact that dango is to Itachiko like ramen is to Naruto. In short, it is important in that it is his/her lifeblood and each person will die without their respective food. Ignore those previous sentences.

Anyway, Itachiko had not put anybody under a genjutsu.

After the meeting, she'd started sobbing(insert 'awwws' here) and murmuring about "kaa-san never gave me dango when I was a child" and "I hope Sasuke never has to live like this" and "round and round the cobbler's bench, the monkey chases the. . ."

_. . .weasel,_ Kisame thought. _Wait, we're all heading to the kitchen. My kitchen! The kitchen is _my_ shrink couch, _my_ refuge from the evils(well, the lesser evils) of this world! That kitchen is not just any loony bin! It is my personal loony bin! I don't want these morons defiling it!_

After giving Itachiko some dango, grabbing some random thing from the freezer, slapping Deidara for staying normal, leaving Sasori alone to play with some puppet(Kisame had tasted Sasori's poison before) and shooing everybody else out to their respective places, the shark and the weasel hurried to the roof to wait for Leader-_chan_'s decision by passing time with their respective hobbies. Kisame read, and Itachiko burned random things from a distance. Ignore the fact that this would blind Itachiko even more.

"Kisame?"

"Yes, Itachi?"

". . ."

". . .?"

". . ."

". . .?"

"Kisame, why are you eating a frozen, raw, wriggling, bloody, bony, maggot-infested, human arm?"

"!"

Kisame spat it out. _But it tasted good,_ she lamented. _Like my siblings in the womb._

Silence ensued.

Agony-filled screams rang out in the distance, interrupting the silence. Probably burn victims. Silence was not happy with this and wagged its finger at the burn victims. They did not pay any attention to Silence and stopped, dropped, and rolled back into the blazing hot black fire, thus ensuring the reader that the nearby village is full of idiots.

Kisame turned her book to another page.

Itachiko finished her fifth dango stick and continued onto the next one.

Silence 'tsk'ed and returned to its ensuing.

abbabbabbabbabb

Zetsu was trying oh so hard not to eat Tobi.

"Tobi is a good girl! Lalala!"

There it goes again.

"Tobi, please be quiet or **we will have to** not** eat you. Stop interrupting me.** I'm not. **Well, would you please **not** shut up? **No."

"LALALA!"

The deafening sound of 'lalala's pierced the air like a hundred Chidori.

Burn victims in the distance screamed to the tune of Tobi's 'lalala's.

Tobi scrunched her face up, under her mask. You would see that she looked like a thousand-year-old raisin which had just been subjected to a long, long bath. If she wasn't wearing a mask.

Either way, Zetsu(ko) sensed it.

"**NO, Tobi, NO! **Please don't! **You'll make us **not** eat you! There you **don't** go again. **What are you talking about?"

Tobi was actually inhaling for a huge screech.

Her chest puffed out.

A lot.

Tobi looked like a dissected frog. Without all the guts spilling out and the huge lungs inflating like grapefruits.*

Insert suspense here.

"_**TOBI IS A GOOD GIRL! LALALA! EEEEK!"**_

Zetsu(ko) just about died.

The burn victims peacefully died to this ruckus.

Insert numerous facepalms here.

abbabbabbabbabb

Hidan(ko)'s head vibrated.

"What the _ice_?"

abbabbabbabbabb

Itachi dropped a dango stick.

"Hn."

abbabbabbabbabb

Peinko vibrated enough that her face was right near Konan's.

"Uh."

abbabbabbabbabb

Deidara almost kissed Sasori; their faces were so close.

He farted.

abbabbabbabbabb

Zetsu(ka) crawled into the ground like the embarrassed girl(woman?) she was.

"Tobi, why **don't** you do this to me? Hey! **What? It's not like you** have done **this to me before. So, we're **not **even. **You know, I might **not** get used to this."**

"Tobi did it because Tobi is a good boy!"

"Tobi is **not** a good _girl_."

"TOBI IS A GOOD G—"

"Want some candy, Tobi? It's chocolate **and poison** and sugar **and guts**."

"Eep!"

Kakuza walked into Peinko's office, carrying Hidan's head.

"You called, Leader-chan?"

"Don't call me that."

"Call you what?"

"Leader-chan."

"Oi, let me _beautifully_ go, when I get _sparkling_ reattached, I'm gonna _ice the cake with flowers._"

Hidan(ko) was ignored.

The meeting began.

A few more hours later, involving Kisame getting a brainfart which led to Itachi burning the nearby village with Amaterasu and getting the Akatsuki(minus Peinko, Kakuza and Hidan) hired as firefighters and getting a huge buttload of money, Hidan stomping around to get revenge on Kakuzu, Tobi rescuing Hidan who had been, for the second time that day, decapitated and tied to the lamp,*** and getting settled in Peinko's office, everybody was staring intently at Leader-chan.

Peinko opened her mouth.

Everybody pressed closer. Hey, everybody wanted to get back to normal. Except for Deidara, who wanted _Sasori_ to get back to normal so he could be comfortable again.

Peinko closed her mouth.

Everybody's shoulders slumped. Things would never be the same again.

Peinko opened her mouth again.

Everybody cheered and hugged. In their minds.

Insert facepalm and headshake here.

"After Kakuza, Konan and I discussed it, I have come to the conclusion—I mean, there is a probable chance of this jutsu being the legen. . .wait for it. . ."

Everybody held their breaths.

". . .dary jutsu called That Jutsu."

Everybody gasped. And choked.

"First off, Deidara, you remained male because you are mostly the uke in all the stories."

"Huh?"

"I do not even know why I said that. Second, That Jutsu may wear off. You are all encouraged to act manlier. Although you lack testosterone, I am sure you can all make up for that in stupidity."

"What!"

"I'm gonna _invite you to my birthday party_! I'm not _frighteningly_ stupid, you _bully_!"

"Hn."

". . ."

"Itachi, Tobi and Hidan, you will revert in a few weeks. Sasori, Kisame, Zetsu, Kakuzu and Konan, I am afraid it will have to take more than a few weeks."

"_Love_ yeah!"

"Hn."

"A few weeks is enough for Tobi!"

". . ."

"Tch, if my gender doesn't affect my moneymaking, I do not care."

"**Great, I have to get stuck with this **genius **idiot, now I have to get stuck with a **_**female**_** version?** That's what I was **not** going to say."

"Oh well. It's okay. Itachi needs help, anyways. I'm taking her to the shrink."

"Oh, and you are only permitted to manly food. No candy allowed. Except for you, Konan."

Tobi broke down, sobbing. Zetsu rushed to comfort her.

"I just hope the brat doesn't get too perverted," Sasori _loudly and clearly_ said.

Deidara spluttered.

"Y-you—un, y—"

"Quiet, brat."

* * *

><p><strong>A~N: I don't own Barney Stinson. Also, no omake this time. I hope this chapter's longness (six pages) makes up for it, although the Author's notes <strong>_**have**_** been breeding lately.**

***The first time I dissected a frog, my group and I were all freaked out about the frog's lungs, so we couldn't continue. The lungs were so huge, we were scared they would explode. Finally, our Science teacher came up, asked us **_**what were we doing, the other groups have already reached the heart,**_** saw the huge lungs, **_**took a scalpel, and punctured the frog's lung.**_** Poor frog.**

****"Tobi, why do you do this to me? Hey! What? It's not like you haven't done this to me before. So, we're even. I might get used to this." Yep, just to let you understand.**

*****Refer to last chapter's omake. Actually, I think Hidan's head's adventures are sort of confusing, so let me sort it out.**

**Hidan got decapitated by Kakuza after the first meeting and got hanged on the lamp.**

**Konan backtracked after Hidan yelled at him, and rescued Hidan.**

**Kakuza decapitated Hidan again, and Hidan got hanged on the lamp. Kakuza left to get something.**

**Tobi rescued Hidan on the way to the second meeting.**

**Hidan burned Kakuza's money and got decapitated again. Hanged on the lamp.**

**Sasori and Deidara rescued Hidan and entered Peinko's office.**

**This all happened over the course of seven hours, the first two with all those stuff about each team's adventures, three for all that firefighting, and the last two for settling down in Pein's office.**


	6. Chapter 5: Margaritasss!

Chapter Five: Margaritasss!

**A~N: I just wrote margaritas for the heck of it. Oh well.**

**Insert disclaimer here. Reference to Chapter Four to reference Chapter Three where the actual disclaimer is. Kthxbye.**

* * *

><p>Tobi looked longingly at the kitchen.<p>

Kisame looked apprehensively at Tobi who was looking longingly at Kisame's personal loony bin.

Itachiko looked sternly at Kisame who was looking apprehensively at Tobi who was looking longingly at Itachiko's dango vault.

Deidara looked hatefully at Itachiko who was looking sternly at Kisame who was looking apprehensively at Tobi who was looking longingly at Sasori and Deidara's argument place.

Sasori rolled her eyes at Deidara who was looking hatefully at Itachiko who was looking sternly at Kisame who was looking apprehensively at Tobi who was looking longingly at Sasori's poison gas test chamber.

Oh, wait. Did I say poison gas test chamber?

{You diiid, brah. You wasted or something? Righteous.}

I'm letting you stay here just for the sake of it.

{Whatever, dude.}

Anyway, the kitchen was _not_ Sasori's poison gas test chamber. Who told you that? All those previous deaths were just accidents, or were probably just pansies or tasted Zetsu's cooking. Or both. Psh.

Insert innocent whistling here.

After all those stupid looks and glares and eyerollings, let us continue with the actual story.

"No, Tobi, you're not allowed to eat candy. **Here, eat some steak and bacon and ribs instead.**"

"O-okay!"

Tobi shovelled everything into her mouth. She looked like a cross between the Joker with barbecue sauce for scars and the Shoop Da Woop face. She was firin' her lazor.*

"Where did you get that food, Zetsu? I cannot remember buying extra meat."

"Mailman. **They were tasty, so I saved one for Tobi.**"

Everybody turned their heads from their incessant glaring to look in disbelief at Zetsu. They also looked like Shoop Da Woop. They did not fire their lazorz.

"Tobi, Zetsu's making you eat human flesh—"

Who said that?

"—un!"

Oh. Righteous.

Our masked girl looked up, her eyes moving underneath her mask. She did not move her head.

And she whispered, "Precioussss."

Everybody looked at her, mortified.

"Must. . .protect. . . the preciousss."

Tobi snatched up the barbecue sauce-covered human flesh and scampered away.

"That was scary," Kisame said.

"Hn," agreed Itachi.

Everybody else just nodded their heads. In Sasori's case, stiffly. She had to oil her joints again. She'd been getting creaky since yesterday. Annoyingly so.

abbabbabbabbabb (This pagebreak sounds stupid)

"We're going _SHOPPING_!" Tobi exclaimed in a sassy valley girl fashion. The Akatsuki band had fixed her of her human flesh addiction.

Everybody just shuffled around uncomfortably. Except for Kakuzu who was trembling with some feeling that Tobi didn't care about!

"_WHAT?_" There was also an 'un' at the end of one of the WHAT?s. Guess who.

"We're going shopping," Tobi said, simply and sassily.

"Why would you want to waste money on _that_? And you're not allowed to use money!"

Everybody moaned and nodded their heads in agreement. The last time Tobi had been given money, it had involved explosions, candy, and a roasted parrot. You may ask, but then you would be used for one of Hidan's rituals. And no, not the rosary-kissing ritual. The sacrifice ritual. Or being forced to watch Dora and listen to Barney while being stabbed in the nads repeatedly. I would suggest the sacrifice ritual. It hurts less. Unless you're an EXTREME! Masochist.

"But, Leader-chan allowed Tobi to go shopping!"

"_**WHAT?**_" Another 'un' at the end of one of the WHAT?s. Everybody was livid now. Ah, unpracticed unison. You're the best. Oh, and also, Peinko was going to _die_ for giving Tobi permission. If they could take her and her six bodies. Pfff.

(No, they couldn't.)

Deidara actually stormed up to Peinko's office! The nerve.

Wait, scratch that.

Deidara actually stormed up to Peinko's office with Konan! He would be forgiven. Which 'he' is up to you to guess.

Deidara beat upon the doors savagely.

They did not open.

He scratched them with his _stubby, not manicured_ fingers. (What happened to that last part? Insert googly face here.) {Beats me, brah.}

They did not open.

Our favourite blonde(not Naruto) was all set to blow the door up(why he didn't do that in the first place, we will never know) when Konan sighed, facepalmed, and opened the door the normal way. Wow, Konan actually kept some of his womanly common sense.

abbabbabbabbabb (If you divide each abbabbabb into four letters each, it turns out to be the band that sang Dancing Queen and other hits, which I don't own.)

Peinko heard the commotion outside the door and, guessing that Deidara and/or Hidanko was going to enter, neglected to tell the person outside to come in or open the door the normal way. If Konan was there, he would open it for Deidara. For Hidanko, not much.

And when she, Peinko, heard the door open, she swivelled her huge chair to face the wall. No, not the front wall, the back wall!

She, Peinko, looked like 'da boss' in a Mafia Gangsta movie! Of course, in that scene with all the cigars and the chomping and the New York accents where 'da boss' is revealed to be some really short dude. Don't you know that scene? I think it is common to many Mafia Gangsta movies. Am I right, dude? {Dunno, brah.}

She, Peinko, was silently sitting in the darkness, waiting for Deidara and Konan to enter.

Meanwhile. . .back outside.

"I was going to do that, un!" Deidara said.

"No, you were not."

"Tch—I-y-you—"Deidara spluttered for the second time in as many days. Two days, to be exact.

They entered, Deidara furious and, well, furious, and Konan silent and eyerolling.

"LEADER-CHAAAN! WHY DID YOU GIVE TOBI PERMISSION,UN?"

"I will tell you. . ." Peinko paused for effect. "If you stop calling me that."

"Calling you what, un?"

"Leader-chan."

"No way, Leader-chan, un!" yelled a stubborn Deidara.

"Then I won't tell you!" an equally stubborn Peinko shot back.

"Please, Pein. Tell him." Konan was rubbing his temples. You know, the ones on the sides of your head.

"Okay, Konan-_kun_," Peinko half-admiringly, half-reprimandingly, half—well, you get the point. "Well, you all need better clothes. I do not want the Akatsuki to walk around in men's clothes, since they have all been turned into girls, with the exception of Konan. Also, you guys need female undergarments."

Deidara 'ohhh, un'ed in realization. Then, he saw that Peinko had said "with the exception of Konan." She had not said "with the exception of Konan and you."

He launched himself at the Leader in her huge swivelling chair.

Konan held him back.

abbabbabbabbabb

(What's The Deal With Human Flesh omake)

Human flesh.

Zetsu loves it, Tobi is(was) obsessed with it, and Peinko mildly likes it.

Why?

Well, human flesh gives off some kind of chemical that attracts insane people towards it. Yep.

It may or may not be used as bait for capturing mental patients. Anyway.

Zetsu once was forced to taste human flesh in an instance of interrogation by the Konoha Interrogation Station or something. Zetsu had found he liked it, and this was proved to be very useful in removing dead bodies.

Tobi only liked it for the barbecue sauce and the tenderness. Enough said.

Peinko thought it was sweet.

And that, my friends, are the accounts of our Akatsuki cannibals.

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN. . .DUN!

* * *

><p><strong>A~N: *Like Chouji in that blooper thing.<strong>


	7. Chapter 6: Bavarian!

**A~N: This was a quickie. Sorry if it sucks, I'm supposed to be sleeping right now. Yep, the almighty lame sleeping excuse.**

**Insert disclaimer here. Reference to Chapter 5 to **reference to Chapter 4 to ****reference to**** Chapter 3 for the actual disclaimer.**  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Akatsuki entered a dingy, dusty, drooping, store. They looked around.<p>

It was pretty small, for an Ame building.

Various odds and bits were scattered around the dump. There was a Kyuubi action figure on the left, along with a chewed-up pencil, a meaty dog bone, several vases, and a Chia Pet of a rat that looked half-bald. Actually, most of the plants were in bunches and there was a huge bald spot between each bunch.

On the right sat some other vases, fake eyeballs in a jar, an apple core, and what looked like a human spine. Insert-through-nose, it said. Haha, you thought I would say insert mundane object here, didn't you? Well, I didn't. Insert tongue out-sticking here.

A wrinkly old dude sat in the back corner of the store. He did not move. His chest did not rise and fall.

The Akatsuki were afraid he was dead. Actually, Kakuza was afraid that he was dead; she couldn't find a cheaper store, and the others just wished they could get out of there.

Tobi, the brave and daring(and good) girl that she was, walked up to the old dude.

He looked at her.

_Disgusting,_ Tobi in her Madara persona thought._ He looks like a chameleon._

Indeed, he did look like a chameleon. His eyes were so covered in dust, that he looked like that Rango dude, which the author doesn't own. There were also a few. . . morning stars that littered his huge eyes.

He was so wrinkly, he looked like a raisin that had been in a dust storm. He wore a. . . feather boa?

"Um. . .hi," Tobi squeaked. She had never been more afraid in her entire life. "Where do you sell the. . . clothes?" _Probably that disgusting, ugly feather boa is the only article of clothing he has ever had in his entire life_, she added contemptuously. In her mind.

"Ifdanoafdtifdjhefobcaoack" was all the old man said. Notice that it sounds like somebody rammed the author's head into the keyboard. Nobody did. {Put an icepack on that, bro.} Da-yum.

Akatsuki stared at him. And blinked as one. Ugh, the dust was entering their eyes and turning them really dusty. Their eyebrows would turn into dust bunnies soon if they didn't get out of here. Like, really fast.

Deidara's hand-mouth burped. Insert embarrassment here.

Akatsuki stared at it. The hand-mouth had formed a ball-of-gum-thing made of dust. The dust had probably laid so thickly that the hand-mouth thought it was clay.

Deidara stared at it. And walked forward, putting it in Tobi's collar on the way to the counter.

He slammed his hands down on the counter suddenly, making even Itachi jump. But, as the strike was efficient enough to make our weaselette jump, the old wrinkly dude didn't.

OWD, as we shall now dub the old wrinkly dude, didn't even move his neck. His head rotated 360 degrees and stared that dust-filled stare at Deidara. Our blonde shuddered. In his mind's eye, he relived the time in the hut when Akatsuki forced him to join them.

Deidara fell to his knees and died, it seemed like.

In reality, he was spasming around and coughing. Oh well, he could at least do this—

Insert suspense here-

"K-k-ka"—cough—"ts-"—hack—"Katsu!"

Tobi's robe exploded. Literally. You thought Tobi just thought it exploded, right? Well, I thought you would think that, so I already thinked it before you thought it. The author does not own Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

Anyway, the above is too deep, so let us continue.

OWD stood up, creakily. Later, Kisame would swear that the raisin-like guy had his bones creaking like a badly-oiled door(which reminded Sasori to oil herself), and probably like a badly-oiled door, his bones would come off the hinges. Or, should I say, sockets.

"Oh, you were asking for the clothes department? Come, come!" And, his teeth sparkling, OWD beckoned them forward, his bones no longer creaky, his eyes no longer dust-filled. Is it. . . could it be?

Congratulations! OLD WRINKLY DUDE has evolved into USED CAR SALESMAN WEARING PINK FEATHER BOA!

Wait, what? Insert googly face here. (o_O)

abbabbabbabbabb

Kisame stared at UCSWPFB, then went to find a phonebook for psychiatrists. One for Itachiko, and one for herself. Actually, they could just share one shrink, but he or she would just attempt suicide.

Itachiko stared at UCSWPFB, then went to look for dango sticks(she enjoyed making custom dango).

Sasori stared at UCSWPFB, then went to look for oil.

Deidara stared at UCSWPFB, then slipped another gum-ball-dust-thing back into Tobi's collar and went to follow Sasori.

Tobi stared at UCSWPFB, then continued to fix her cloak, unaware of the gum-ball-dust-thing in her collar.

Peinko stared at UCSWPFB, then went looking for food.

Zetsu stared at UCSWPFB, then went looking for assistants to eat.

Konan stared at UCSWPFB, then went to find an umbrella.

Kakuza stared at UCSWPFB, then went back to finding a cheap wallet.

Hidanko stared at UCSWPFB, then went back to pestering Kakuzu.

Meh, they were shinobi. They'd seen worse.

Abbabbabbabbabb

The store was blown up, sent to another dimension to avoid the explosion(since Kakuza-baachan told Tobi to; remember, that was the cheapest store in Ame, and travelling to other cheap stores in other hidden villages meant wasting money), sent back to the proper dimension, and promptly got exploded for real. Kakuza hated Deidara from that day onward.

Abbabbabbabbabb

Anyway, Peinko had bought as much lacy underwear as she could. After all, Leader must be reasonable. She could not buy _all_ the lacy underwear. (She had no reason to buy lacy underwear.)

Konan had bought paper, five phonebooks for scratch paper, an umbrella, and a lot of clothes. (Sometimes—I mean, most times, everybody just needed a spare, and Kakuzu was too greedy(or lazy) to sew something back up.)

The Zombie Combo had bought a vast majority of things. You must not know, or you would be subjected to Hidan's rituals. Or that _other_ torture device. (You know, listening to Barney while watching Dora while being stabbed in the nads repeatedly.)

Sasori and Deidara had bought useful things. (Yes, they were useful things, _not at all_ a huge bag of dust, lacy underwear and UCSWPFB's pink feather boa; insert innocent whistling here.)

Kisame and Itachi bought sensible things, like fish food, laxatives, dango sticks, canned tuna from 1986, and a phonebook, which was hopefully up to date, and badass clothes. (THOSE ARE SENSIBLE THINGS, JASHINDAMNIT!)

Zetsu and Tobi bought unspeakable things. If you would ask, it would be worse than asking the Zombie Combo. Enough said.

The Akatsuki went home in a peaceful manner. At least, this time, Hidan killed only a hundred people instead of his hundred thousand(a ridiculously huge number, I know), Itachi had set fire to only six thousand buildings instead of the whole village, and Deidara had not accidentally helped Itachi in setting fire to six thousand buildings; he had just accidentally helped in blowing up half of those buildings that were set on fire.

Abbabbabbabbabb

(That Night omake)

That night, everybody slept peacefully.

Well, they only woke Leader up five times instead of the usual—Ah, to the North Pole with it.

* * *

><p><strong>A~N: Yep, way less talking in this one. Shortest omake so far, too.<strong> **Expecting a funny shopping trip? Well, too bad. I can't do that this late.**

**I HOPE YOU REVIEW THIS TIME. Insert OWD stare here.**


	8. Chapter 7: Slushies! 1 of 3

**A~N: Second time this week. Can't guarantee I'll update tomorrow, though. Laptop is pretty laggy. Quiet, the Weasel Lords are talking to me, they say I can update as much as I want.**

**Insert disclaimer here. Reference to Chapter 6 to reference to—Ah, to the North Pole with it. It's in Chapter Three!**

* * *

><p>Itachiko skulked around the shadows, silently. She was on a great mission. One that would benefit Sasuke (and humankind). Okay, maybe not Sasuke. And humankind. But, this would probably benefit <em>somebody<em> in the future.

You might probably ask, _Where did that mission come from? Author, are you forcing something to make the story exciting?_ And my answer is, remember Chapter Two? With all the gay baby reincarnation? Yeah, I established that nicely, don't you think? Insert smugness here.

Itachiko looked left. Right. Up. Down. The coast was clear.

She peeked around the corner. There it was! Her life's work(which started approximately five minutes ago; her life's work, not her life) was complete! She ran to it, careful to check the side-hallways which could contain other Akatsuki members. Insert Mission Impossible song here.

Through all this, she looked cool and calm and emotionless. Which looks pretty weird when you're running.

Kisame followed her uneasily. "Um."

"Quiet, Kisame. Would you like to be subjected to one of Leader's torture devices? And after that, my Tsukuyomi?"

"No!"

"Well, shh!"

The dolph—the sharkette and the weaselette stood in front of a door.

It had blood spattered all over it, traces of pink where the blood didn't cover it, and planks nailed on planks nailed on planks. It seemed that the original planks had been thin enough to get holes, got clogged with more planks, which also got holes, and which also had been covered with more planks. Overall, it was a messy-looking door.

It was a Forbidden Door. With the capital F and all that. The Ninth Door.

Now, Forbidden Doors had been largely stumbled upon by the Akatsuki for years now. Nobody ever opened them. In one instance, Hidan had opened The Seventeenth Door and had almost been sucked into a huge black hole. Nagato, with all hi—her powers and crap, had fit a black hole into The Seventeenth Door as an optional escape route.

Not that he—she would like being in an alternate universe where the Akatsuki would be—insert shudder here—_good._

Later, Hidan had told them, after sealing the door with as much jutsu as he could, that he had _seen _into the black hole. He had told them that he had seen himself tearing Kakuzu's hearts out, then making him watch Dora while listening to Barney while being stabbed in the nads repeatedly, which was reportedly worse than Jashinist Heaven. Kakuzu merely rolled his eyes at Hidan's obvious lie. As he had grown immune to torture devices, especially that particular one, he did not feel a tiny bit threatened.

Anyway, back to Kisame and Itachiko. Wow, I went through five paragraphs without mentioning them.

Itachiko started prying the planks off. She licked one of them, tapped her finger on it, put her ear to it, and got no splinters and did not get poisoned at all, like only an Uchiha can. The planks were an assortment of cherry wood and maple. Hm. By the way, please do not try licking planks studded with nails. Insert innocent whistling here. What? Don't say I didn't warn you! {I didn't waaarn you, brah.} YOU SHUT UP. YOU SHUT UP RIGHT NOW. {Okay, dude. Not righteous.}

Kisame looked at her partner, eyebrow raised. _You can do that?_

The dolph—sharkette licked a plank. Unfortunately, this one was near the bottom of the door. And so, it had been nailed more.

Kisame's tongue looked like Peinko's (tongue) after several piercings. Actually, this was worse.

It looked like it had been stabbed with a hairbrush, then a comb, then a wooden lintbrush covered with splinters, followed by a hairspray of poison, which is weird, since tongues are not made of hair. Oh, well. Such is the power of going too far with an analogy. Or is it an idiom? A simile? I forgot.

Itachiko's eyebrows raised two millinanometers in her smuggest face yet.

Kisame scoffed and looked to the side comically, her mutilated tongue sticking out, which she healed.

After an awkward silence and another gay baby reincarnation, this time called Sasuk—um, Itachiko returned to prying off the planks. Kisame stood to the side, not wanting to take any more part in this embarrassing venture.

The door opened. They looked inside. And found. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

TOBI'S ROOM! No, wait, it was KONOHA!

No, really. It was Konohagakure. It seemed that the door had been ruthlessly planked for the reason of avoiding the Hidden Leaf. Why Konan or Pein didn't just destroy the door, nobody knows. Well, okay, the most probable reason is, if they destroyed it, it would just suck in anybody back to their hometown. There would be no barrier.

The reason I said "back to their hometown" is that Itachiko is from Konoha. Kisame is from Kiri. Yet Itachiko opened the door, so, logically, the person who opens the door sees their hometown. It was a quick shortcut to Ame, used by Konan, but Kakuzu had gone crazy and chased after Deidara who had blown up the cheapest store in Ame, so Konan used it as a quick shortcut, and was forced to board it up. As for the planks, he wasn't gonna take any chances.

They cautiously stepped through. And looked up. Down. Left. Right. Yes, it was most definitely not a genjutsu. Cheerful cheers of cheer gave the Hidden Village a great noise and a warm hominess. Emphasis on the warm. They don't call Fire Country Fire Country for nothing.

Now, seeing as it was real, Itachiko and Kisame probably would have the sense to turn back, board it up again, and never tell anybody what happened, ever.

They didn't. As you can probably see, this is a semi-cra—oh, okay, a crackfic. Geez. And in crackfics, nobody has any common sense whatsoever. Common sense is not very common, as, contrary to popular belief, popular belief is not all that popular.

And so, they walked into Konoha, without their cloaks, and. . . Henged.

Oh. Common sense _is_ kind of common after all.

Unfortunately, though, Itachiko's Henge hair was rainbow-colored, and Kisame's was green-and-pink and swirly. Also, they were as short as Deidara, and had skin as white as paper. Not that they'd Henged into Konan, though.

Anyway, it had turned out that they'd found a hole in the wall surrounding Konoha. When they looked back, the door had disappeared.

Oh, crap.

Anyway, they'd buttered their muffi—toast, so now they had to lie in it. Or something.

Itachiko and Kisame pressed onward, bravely.

Abbabbabbabbabb

"Hidan."

"What the _cake_ is it, _sparkling_ Miser?"

"I sensed a disturbance."

"Yeah, yeah. Remind me to call a _glittering_ shrink for you."

"Thank you, Hidan. That is the only nice thing you can ever do. Except, maybe, die.

"Shut the _flower_ up!"

Abbabbabbabbabb

"KONAN!"

"Hm. Pein, please get off me."

"Shhh."

"You are crushing my bones!"

"Okay, okay. Who stuck a dead weasel up _your_ butt?"

"Is that one of your torture devices?"

". . .No."

"Good."

"Well, Konan."

"Well what?"

"I feel something horrible has just happened."

"So, somebody stuck a dead weasel up _your_ butt without you knowing?"

"No."

Abbabbabbabbabb

"Danna, danna!"

"What is it, brat? And brat number two?"

"Hey, that's supposed to be your pet name for only _me_, un!"

"Huh?"

"Don't stare at me like that, Danna, un."

"Tobi is a good girl, Tobi is not a brat. Tobi thinks Sempai can keep the pet name."

"Thank you very much, Tobi, un. The only thing nicer would be if you would get sold to a freak show, un."

"Brat, you are insane."

"Tobi is a good girl!"

"ANYWAY, Danna, I felt one of those earthquake-things, but it was a different version, un. Kind of like if you build two identical puppets with different wood, un. Nothing happened at all, but I could feel something galactically, massively, _bad_ happening."

"Interesting. Now get out."

"Dannaaaa, un!"

"Tobi is a good giiirl!"

Abbabbabbabbabb `

"Did you feel that?"

"**Did I feel what?**"

"You know, something irreversibly stupid happening."

"**Oh, yeah. That. I felt it.**"

"Good, I thought I was going crazy. Bad, bad Chia Pet!"

"**Chia Pet, if you go through with this, we will eat you.**"

"The bad man is just kidding, Chia Petty. Oh, come on. Come back here!"

Abbabbabbabbabb

"Kabuto, my heart breakssss."

"Why, master?"

"I forgot. Ssss."

"Oh. Well, then. Which body here is the ugliest? I need new cadavers."

"Kabuto, all my experimentsss are beautiful. Except for that one. Take it. It'ssss too. . . pubesssscent for my liking."

Abbabbabbabbabb

Itachiko looked around. "Hn."

People were staring at her. Rainbow hair? Green swirly hair? Odd. Wait, it was more than odd. It was odder than a leader of an S-rank criminal group using Dora, Barney, and nad-stabbing for a torture device. What? Don't ask me. Insert familiarly innocent whistling here.

The civilians, though, being the human equivalent of mutts, barked and yapped, their tails wagging, yet their ears were plastered to their heads. No, not really. Gossip immediately started and even reached the Hokage. Some said that they had come from the other side of the world and were out to steal all the ramen. Others said that they had been brought down here by Kami herself, to, well, also steal all the ramen. A few more speculated that these beautiful women were going to kidnap them all and use their skullcaps as ramen bowls, which they would then put all the ramen(that they had stolen) in. Either way, the moment an ear heard a story, its owner ran off, spread the gossip, and cowered in the basement. Or up a tree. Or behind their wives. Whichever was closer. Insert wife-hiding hint here.

Each shinobi with a brain thought—and they were right—that these weird women just had bad Henge skills.

"Hn."

"Um. . .hello, civilians of, uh, Konoha. We mean no harm, we just wandered here by accident. Okay, bye!"

Each and every one of the citizens of Konoha stopped walking, or hiding, or eating, or breathing, or whatever. And raised one eyebrow each. Even the faces in the Hokage mountain had their lips curled in contempt and curiosity or whatever. How had two pasty-faced women, one with gills and sharp teeth, by the way, wandered into a Hidden Village? Surely the wall had been fixed after that dreadful time when those 'perfect' women had suddenly started appearing*? No wonder the civilians gossiped impossible things. It was virtually impossible for them to get in without being accompanied by ANBU or being immediately escorted to the Hokage for a, um, brief interrogation. Briefer than a briefcase, which is not very brief. Say Brief Beef Beerf five times fast. Like, Minato-level fast.

Kisame pushed Itachiko—she did not struggle—into an alley. Several wolf-whistles came from outside the alley. Kisame power-washed the culprits. Yes, they were now very clean. So clean, in fact, that they had no skin at all. What skin was left clung to their bones in tattered pieces. The men looked in despair at their limbs. Actually, most of the men outside, even the innocents, were turned into walking muscle-intestine-and-bone-monsters. Since that day, Konoha became known for its walking-muscle-instestine-and-bone-monsters and its Walking-Muscle-Instestine-And-Bone-Monster Zoo.

But back to the damp, dank, dirty, dugly, dsmelly, dgarbage-dfilled, dfly-dinfested alley. Sorry, I ran out of negative adjectives that I could add my new prefix to. My new prefix is d-. The other is rel-.

Itachiko stared at her partner sullenly.

"So, Itachi, how do we get out? You probably have a great plan involving Amaterasu. Please, do," said partner said. Huh. Said partner said. What a weird sentence. Oh well. "I'm panicking too much to think straight right now."

"So, you're gay? I had guessed that."

"That's not what I meant, dammit! It means I can't concentrate."

"Too busy looking at me when I'm not looking, hm?"

"Itachi!"

"Please do not say my name again. It will give me nightmares."

"Well, have a plan, then, Weasel?"

". . ."

". . .?"

". . ."

". . .?"

"I want to go see Sasuke."

"No. I will not let you. You haven't had your second psychiatrist meeting yet. You're not stable enough."

"Your sexuality isn't stable enough."

"I'm not gay, Itachi."

Said weasel stared at her for a few hours.

Needless to say, they went to go see Sasuke in their Henged forms.

* * *

><p><strong>A~N: *Mary Sue reference. Too many Mary Sues. Insert shudder here.<strong>

**ANYWAY. SEVEN PAGES, TWO THOUSAND AND FIFTY WORDS! WOOT! **


	9. Chapter 8: Slushies! 2 of 3

**A~N: Yes! I found a way of stopping the lag! Or, just, you know, make the page advance to the next page, although I do have to wait a few seconds. **

**Insert disclaimer here. The FRICKin'(it's not frickin, it's FRICKin') disclaimer is in Chapter Three.**

Kisame and Itachiko reached the compound. Dusty.

The raven-haired weaselette asked, "Where did they put the bodies?"

Kisame's eyes widened. Where _had _the bodies gone? "Umm. I don't know. . . " she trailed off lamely.

"OH MY GOSH! TOU-SAN! KAA-SAN! WHERE ARE YOUR CORPSES? I WAS SUPPOSED TO BURY THEM ON TOP OF THE HOKAGE MOUNTAIN!" Itachiko wailed. Ohhh, no. OOC again? {Your righteous fault, bro.} Yeah, I guess it is. Heh. Insert back-of-neck scratching here.

"Shh, Ita—um. Sasuke will get suspicious."

"Sob. Sniffle, sob."

"Did you just call me a sob?"

"No, I was sobbing. Couldn't you tell?"

"No, I couldn't."

"AHHH!" Sasuke had snuck up on them without them knowing, and was now pointing at them in horror. A twelve-year old could only stand so much. These pasty-faced women with insane hair were so scary, that our favourite emo(not Gaara) almost, um, had to introduce his underwear to, um, Mr. Urine.

"SASUKE!" Itachiko ran after him. Kisame followed her uneasily. Second time in as many chapters.

To see pasty-faced women with insane hair, one that looked suspiciously like a female version of your brother who massacred the whole clan and had issues, and one that looked suspiciously like an attractive female version of your massacring brother's partner, and also carrying a huge sword was scary. To have them run after you is scarier. Sasuke followed his instincts and ran. Ran like the wind. Although he was not the Yondaime, he was fast enough not to get caught. Being followed by crazy people can boost your adrenaline.

"WHO ARE YOU, ANYWAY!"

"I'm, uh, Iruk—kko, and she's, um—"

Sasuke remembered something and stopped.

"_TOU-SAN! KAA SAN!_"

"_Shh, Ita-um." _

He turned around. He then saw that he was going to be bowled over if he didn't continue running. Surprisingly, these women had the sense to run faster, but had no sense at all to fix brakes of any sort into their feet. (Akatsuki removed their foot brakes long ago, with the reason of 'Why would we want to stop running after a target anyway,(un)?' They did not regret it, until this day.)

Sasuke started running after _them_, Chidori in hand, thinking that this was just his brother in a bad Henge. He was right, although Itachi wasn't his brother anymore. Sort of a sister now.

"ITACHI! I WILL _KILL _YOU!"

"She's not Itachi! I mean, um. Who's Itachi?"

Sasuke skidded to a stop. A foolish move. Oh wait, so they weren't Akatsuki? Well, then—

He was crushed under a pile of "Irukko" and "Ita-?". Insert facepalm here.

After getting out of it, he felt as if there was a porcupine in his brain, shrinking to a small size and entering his throat, jamming its spikes in his lungs, then slithering(slithering?) back into his brain cavity. Insert Orochi-pedo reference here.

Sasuke almost-kindof-half-moaned in pain. Stupid porcupine. Stupid women. Stupid brother. Stupid lack of hatred.

~abb~ (Like the new pagebreak? The last one was too bulky.)

"Danna!"

"Yes, brat?"

"Leader-chan has a mission, un!"

"What for?"

"Kisame and Itachi went into The Ninth Door, un!"

Sasori grabbed Hiruko.

~abb~

"And take care!" Peinko waved the two artists off. And locked the door.

"Pein, I am not sure you should lock the door. They might come back shortly."

"Nonsense." Peinko dismissed Konan with a simple wave of her hand. "It'll take a long time for them to come back."

She was right.

~abb~

"Sasuke, Sasuke," Itachiko said. "Why don't you let us treat you to ramen?"

Her brother snorted(in his mind). He hardly knew them. "I hardly know you," he said.

"She's um—"

"You said it started with Ita. It wouldn't be Itachi, would it?"

"We, uh, told you! We don't know this Itachi person!" Kisame patted herself on the back for 'fooling' her partner's brother. Not literally, though. That would look weird. And Sasuke didn't need more weirdne—wait a minute! Since Sasuke was a shinobi, he wouldn't be weirded out. He _shouldn't_ be weirded out.

Kisame patted herself on the back. Sasuke gave her an incredulous stare by raising his eyebrows one nanomillimeter.

"Did you just pat yourself on the back?"

"Hnnnghhh?" Itachiko tried her best to disguise her 'Hn'. Insert other constipated sounds here.

"Why, yes. Yes, I believe I just did so."

Another awkward silence. The baby was christened as Rock Lee. Also. Kisame, stop making awkward silences! I'm running out of gay Naruto characters, here!

"I believe that she said 'Itadakimasu'. We were going to eat."

"Oh, really. Where's your 'food'?"

"Um. We just ate it," Kisame said.

"Why are you trying to treat me to ramen if you just finished 'eating'?"

"I'M STILL HUNGRY!" Kisame punctuated this by forcing her stomach to growl like a tiger. Or, or a shark. Heh.

(Yes, the author is aware that sharks do not growl. Unless they are hideously mutated into half-shark-half-growlinganimal-creatures.)

The Uchihas shrank away from it. "Okay, let's go." _Before you eat me_, Sasuke added. In his mind. _I might be able to run away to my gay lov—my rival, Naruto, while they're distracted._

~abb~

W-w-wait. Wasn't Sasori from Suna? And Deidara from Iwa? So how did they get to Konoha in a step?

Well, it's kind of like this.

"Teleport, brat. Now."

"SHUNSHIN NO JUTSU, UN!"

Yep. Enough said.

Anyway, they had Henged to look exactly like what they predicted Kisame and Itachiko would Henge into. Their plan was to "get embarrassed" that their sisters would wander into a Hidden Village, then shanghai them back to Akatsuki base.

Sasori and Deidara now respectively looked like Sakura and Ino with pasty faces, swirly-polka-dot-patterned eyes, and wearing ugly yukatas. They would do nothing about the hair. Not that they couldn't, but they just didn't want to.

They'd shunshined into Konoha, and had been greeted by the surprised Sakura and Ino.

"Is that my doppelganger?"

"Ino, that's bad luck."

"Well, you have a doppelganger too! That's worse luck!"

"What? Where?"

And here they were at the present. Being awkward. No awkward silences, though. Sakura had been charged with doing something that involved Tonton, and the pig was squealing furiously. Nobody payed attention to her. Insert angry huff here. Nobody listens to the pig.

After awkwardness came and passed by(leaving its coat in a hurry, kissing silence on the cheek and hugging its children, reminding silence to water the gardenias, and being reminded in return to get groceries and are you even reading this?), then commenced the staredown. It was epic.

. . .

. . .

. . .

Eventually Deidara gave a yelp and covered his(her?) oddly-patterned eyes with his(you know what, I'll just use her for Deidara while he's Henged) pasty-white hands. Ino smirked smugly, smelling victory. Prefix alert! {That was slyyy, bro.} Yes, it was. {What, no thank you? Brah, not righteous.} Thank you, then. {Righteous.}

Sasori and Sakura's match was so heated that they could bake cookies with each of their glares. Deidara stuck a few pieces of dough between them, and pulled them out just in time to reveal just that. Chocolate-chip cookies. She offered two to Ino, and both of them watched that furious staring.

Eventually, it was taking so long(twenty minutes and fifty-two seconds!) that Deidara had to pull them out with a "Now, now, un. We have things to do, un. Okay, goodbye." Tonton had, um, emptied herself onto the street, and, after the staredowns, they all stared at the puddle of, um, Ms. Urine.

". . .gross," somebody said. It was hard to see who said it. If it was Deidara it would end with an "–un." If it was Sasori, well. Sasori wouldn't say gross. She would say "disgusting." She had a mature vocabulary, thankyouverymuchkthxbye. Sakura was too hardened to say that. Ino, well, Ino's mouth was closed, and she was used to Akamaru whenever Kiba came over with his team. (Team 8 and Team 9 sometimes trained together). Insert "I know Akamaru is not a mutt" speech here.

"I should throw that stupid pig off the Hokage tower, un." Deidara's stupid comment served to turn Sakura livid. And angry. And furious.

Sakura and Ino began backing Sasori and Deidara into an alley. This did not mean good. Or well? Oh, well. (ba-dum, pssh!)

~abb~

Kisame and Itachiko were chasing after Sasuke.

"Ramen, Sasuke! Ramen!"

"No!"

"Please?"

Sasuke shook his head furiously and skidded around a corner. The crazy women, having no brakes as previously mentioned, had to crash into various posts before continuing the chase.

The twelve year-old boy had to do some thinking; the closest place was Naruto's. Nobody, not even these crazy women would think of following him in there. Except for maybe Kakashi and Iruka, and those men were just really close to Naruto. Oh, and I almost forgot the Sandaime. W-w-wait. Naruto's apartment is a bar? Young men and old men up in this crib! Oh, wait. That was a club DJ impersonation. Nevermind. Insert other tries at being a bartender here.

When they(Kisame, Itachiko and Sasuke, or should I say, Irukko, Unnamed, and Sasuke) had reached Ichiraku Ramen, Itachiko had started acting weirdly. Not that she hadn't been acting weirdly in the first place, but it had seemed to Sasuke as if The Unnamed Woman was trying to molest him. In reality, our weaselette had tried all she could to hug him and just cry. But nooo, her brother just _had_ to run away.

Kisame had spotted a few women going into an alley and several untouched men start wolf-whistling. Having been in this situation before, herself, she quickly power-washed them and turned them into Walking-Bone-Muscle-And-Intestine-Monsters.

And now, they were faced with a dilemma—enter Naruto's apartment or go through all that just for nothing?

~abb~

Sakura, Ino, Sasori and Deidara stared at the Walking-Bone-Muscle-And-Intestine-Monsters.

The Walking-Bone-Muscle-And-Intestine-Monsters looked down at themselves. And brought devastation across everybody.

~abb~

"Oi! Miser!"

"What is it _now_, Hidan?"

"Sharkgirl and Weasel_beautiful_ got in one of those doors."

"Which door?"

"The Ninth Door."

Kakuza grabbed her briefcase.

~abb~

"Buh-bye now!" Peinko, in addition to the single lock she had, deadbolted the door three times, and added one of those car-alarms(complete with remote) just for the heck of it.

"Seriously, Pein? Deadbolts?" Konan rolled his eyes and went off to finish paperwork.

"Of course! I heard there are some weird monsters in Konoha now. They might get in and try to eat us when the teams come back!" She shouted in Konan's general direction. "Not that there are a lot of us now, anyway," she added to herself. She needed to recruit more people, although if there was more people, they would just crowd the annual picture anyhow. Or they would get killed. Okay, she wouldn't recruit anymore people, except to, you know, replace those dead ones.

~abb~

Kakuza and Hidanko merely shunshined. What, you thought I was gonna add some dialogue? Tch, yeah right. They're too, um, mature for that kind of thing. Actually, it would just involve a lot of cursing, but oh well. Such is the power of being lazy. Insert putting hand on forehead in a distressed manner here.

"So, Miser."

Kakuza grunted.

"Where do you _obsessively_ suggest we _prettily_ go?" You know what, I'll just use gravy for censoring.

"Ramen stand."

"Oh, _gravy_. I _gravy_ hate ramen. That _gravy gravy_ is so _gravy_ cheap, that your mother_ gravy_ traded you for it." Hidanko guffawed.

"Shut up, Hidan. Your bad jokes spoil my money."

"Meh, it's already _gravy_ spoiled, anyway. You greedy-_gravy_ _gravy_." Try saying that last part five times, fast. Like, Hiraishin-fast.

They pressed forward and onward.

~abb~

**(Church Doom omake)**

Old Dude felt an impending doom. It rose in his heart and exploded in his lungs in just a few nanoseconds.

Old Dude was named Old Dude after his mother(who was mute), seeing a certain white-haired sennin outside the window, wrote OLD DUDE on the birth form, presumably to signal their attention to Jiraiya. Unfortunately, the nurses actually believed her and her son was turned into the laughingstock of everybody in the hospital, and when he was old enough, the whole school, and finally, the Church.

Of course, Jiraiya had not been spying on Old Dude's mother. Who wants to stare at mute women giving birth for hours on end? He was spying on the nurses and the medic-nin to get information for the hospital scene for his book. That didn't mean he didn't enjoy it, though. Nurses can wear small outfits. Insert wolf-whistles? here.

Anyway, Old Dude felt that a silver-haired, foul-mouthed, immortal heathen would come crashing into the church any second now. He had inherited his mother's intuition, but not her common sense. His father had some bit of intelligence, though, but Old Dude had unluckily not inherited that.

And so, he started carving wood(Sasori would feel threatened) with the knife facing toward him. Insert facepalms here.

**A~N: Since I am too uninspired to write the whole shebang here, I'm just gonna divide this arc into three parts. Also, 2000+ words overall. Woot!**


	10. Chapter 9: Slushies! 3 of 3

**A~N: I outlined this whole arc and everything. Better review. Gosh, when was the last update? I hope this thing hasn't died. /kicks**

**Some light Sakura bashing, nothing that you can't go through. Don't worry, this will be the only bashing that will appear here.**

**I own nothing that I reference. Insert disclaimer from Chapter Three here.**

~abb~

Kakuza and Hidanko maneuvered through the streets of Konoha. Peinko had told them that there were new monsters in Konoha(not the bushy-eyebrowed Green Beast), and this appeared to be true.

Their skins were flayed in a disgusting manner. The skin on their faces was visibly still peeling madly. Probably the result of a power-wash, which meant Kisame and Itachi were close. Insert hunting-trail theme here.

Hidanko called them "the new zombies" and "almost-willing organ donors", and Kakuza called them "a waste of [her] time, and therefore, [her] money." Yes, Hidanko stole—was donated a large number of organs from the Walking-Bone-Muscle-And-Intestine-Monsters.

The remaining ones started heading for one place—the doppelganger quartet's alley. Some started pulling out machine guns. It seemed that these monsters were overly protective of their Hidden Leaf.

"Oi, Miser_gravy_! Those little _gravy_ are going for that _gravy _alley! Let's follow them!" Hidanko was excited. Kakuza rolled her eyes, but relented.

~abb~

Sasori and Deidara stepped backwards. Deidara fell over, into a puddle of—petroleum?

Sasori backed away from him fearfully; Pledge is known to be flammable. Her back met Sakura's(flat as hell) chest. The impact affected her(Sasori) greatly.

Sasori was pushed into the petroleum, and quickly went up in flames.

(It was then that Kisame power-washed everybody, so nothing happened to Sasori's beautiful face.)

The armed monsters started toward them. Fire is a Walking-Bone-Muscle-And-Intestine-Monster's natural enemy, although the latter has just existed for a few hours. Our beloved sharkette created a new species in just a few minutes. (Give her the Nobel!)

The group split in half and the newly-formed group started shuffling(everyday I'm shufflin') to the Zombie Combo, which had a few problems of their own, started by the pasty-faced, swirly-lipsticked Hidanko. (Kakuza had polka-dot lipstick.)

~abb~

The church across the alley was very peaceful. Nuns went in, Chucks went out, and sometimes Nuns and Chucks went out(or in) at the same time while creating Nunchucks.

The above is not understandable, so let us continue describing the church.

It was small, but big enough for the huge amount of Christian people in Konoha. It also sometimes allowed shinobi to take sanctuary; no one would attack a church.

No one, that is, except for a certain silver-haired Jashinist. Yes, the moment Hidanko saw that church, she attacked it. {Well, I wouldn't say attacked, I would have to say it was _trashed_.} Erm. Who are you? {I am Smart Person Narrator; I am the substitute for Surfer Dude today.} Oh. . .kay.

Remember Old Dude? Predictably, he was stabbed with his own knife after Hidanko tackled him and started pummelling him. It was inevitable, of course. He was carving with the point toward him. The slightest push could impale him horribly, let alone a fierce one hundred-pound weight tackle.

"You"—punch—"little"—bite—"Christian"—kick—"_gravy_!" Hidanko was pulled away by Kakuza, but not without the necessary amount of fighting back and flailing. The Jashinist was yet to fill her quota.

"Hidan, if you keep that up, I will personally dislocate your limbs and fix it so that you will never be able to be sewed back up again," Kakuza told her partner. "And you're wasting my time, which means you're wasting my money, and you know what happens when you waste my money."

Hidanko gulped. "Yeah, yeah, _gravy_ hag. Lay the _gravy_ off, will you? Sheesh."

Kakuza glared at her. Her nasty, must-kill-you-or-anybody-in-the-vicinity glare had Itachiko running for her money. Literally.

(Bets are common in the Akatsuki. It is most of the reason why Kakuza is rich.)

The priest-man coughed and hacked. "Tell my wife. . ."

Kakuza turned her glare on him. "Just die."

Scared, Old Dude just died.

~abb~

Sasuke bolted up the stairs and knocked on Naruto's door. "USURATONKACHI!"

Nothing happened. Sasuke knocked more urgently. "DOBE!"

He sensed a little shuffling in the apartment, and then,(obviously)nothing happened.

The Uchiha started kicking the door. "OPEN UP, NARUTO!"

Said blonde genin finally opened the door after tripping on several empty ramen cups and various pieces of scattered laundry. His hair was ruffled, the result of sleeping in. "Hngh, whaddaya want, ttebayo?"

Sasuke entered around him, closed the door, locked it, searched for duct tape, wrapped it, and super-glued it shut. And believe it!

"Whaddawas that about, ttebay—" Naruto was cut off.

For at this very moment, Sasuke had miscalculated. He had miscalculated, he had turned around too fast, he had forgotten to push him away, he had forgotten how close he was and now he was sharing his third kiss with Naruto.*

And from that day on, Sasuke would facepalm, he would grieve, he would burrow down into his happy place, but he wouldn't deny that he felt safe in Naruto's apartment. Probably because the crazy women were outside and he was inside.

He was that desperate.

~abb~

Speaking of the crazy women, Itachiko and Kisame were fending off the creatures Kisame had so recently created. (Take back the Nobel!)

"Kisa—Irukko, we must talk about your womanly urges," Itachiko said as she delivered a fireball to the closest creature's ugly face. "It was not necessary to wreak havoc upon this—um—innocent shinobi village. I will have to reprimand you when we get home." Three rounds of Tsukuyomi, followed by sixty-five backhands. Also, psychological torture worse than Tsukuyomi—an image of Itachiko deep-frying her prized black-lipped rattail. That was Itachi's usual 'reprimand'. Her usual _warning_ reprimand.

"Yes, you would be obliged to, if you didn't start this thing in the first place!" Kisame wailed uncharacteristically while slicing a monster to shreds with Samehada. It reassembled itself. "And we are not going back to that alley!"

More wolf-whistles. Kisame inwardly sighed. Didn't these Konoha men know what they shouldn't do? Seriously, almost half of the male population had been turned into skinless monsters due to their recklessness.

~abb~

"Psst. You." An inaudible whisper was not heard above the roaring of machine guns, annoying bickering, and skin-flaying.

The Zombie Combo continued arguing.

"Heyyy, you. You." A slight Mexican accent was visible.

Still no attention.

"HEY YOU LITTLE _GRAVY_! DO I _GRAVY_ HAVE TO PUNCH YOUR _GRAVY_, YOU _GRAVY_! _GRAVY_!" The source of the scream was revealed to be none other than some short dude holding a coat together, looking as inconspicuous as possible. Although that was cancelled out by the fact that he screamed. Colorfully, too.

"Yes?"

"You want my wares? You want my wares. Very cheap? Very, very cheap."

"What do you sell?" Kakuza was interested. Her partner was annoyed at the Mexican dude's weird habit of repeating himself.

"Come here. I show you? I show you, very very much." The man beckoned the pasty-faced Kakuza closer.

He opened his coat. Hidanko took a look over her partner's shoulder, and shrank away in disgust. "Wow, seriously? Kakuzu, you _gravy_ turned into some kind of person who-"

Kakuza took it. "How much did you say?"

"One million ryo? Yes, one mill—" Kakuza slapped him.

"It's worth about _five hundred thousand_! You moronic, overpricing scumbag!"

"Only one of this kind in the world, no?" The stitched-up lady looked at him.

"Well, I've never actually seen one like it before. . . Zetsu's is bicoloured, but this one is much more aesthetically pleasing."

"You think it's _gravy_ cool? What the _gravy_! It's _gravy_ gay! It's a—"

"Yes, you buy it? You buy it now. I cut price. Six hundred thousand. Deal will never come in lifetime, ever again."

"Deal." Kakuza paid him, and started using her rainbow-and-white color-changing-half-Kindle-half-iPod-hybrid.**

~abb~

"Katsu!"

An explosion rocked the alley to its. . .um. It rocked the alley to its dumpsters. Well, its only dumpster.

Inside that dumpster were many things. It had Sasuke's old shirt, Sakura's ribbon, and Lee's braid. It even held Gaara's teddybear. The dumpster had led a long life, and it patiently waited for retirement. It wanted to end with a bang.

Unfortunately, that is exactly how it went.

The dumpster is just a bunch of disintegrated molecules right now. Call back, it might become a few atoms. {You are not allowed to split them.} I was about to say that. {Oh, of course you were.} Now I see why the author picked you for a substitute. You are as annoying as Surfer. {Yes. Yes I am.}

Anywho, Deidara had made a cross between a flashbang, a firecracker, and an almost-atomic hand grenade. He had been experimenting on it and had perfected it only a few weeks before the start of this story. Needless to say, he had used it on Sakura, Ino, and all the other monsters glaring menacingly at them from the opening of the alley.

After that, she—he'd just moulded a clay bird, not caring if they recognized it, and forcefully sat an indignant Sasori on it. At least they weren't trying to capture their jinchuuriki. Who wants to capture an orange-wearing, whisker-marked, blonde, cute, adorable-oh, no. This Henge was starting to take its toll on Deidara. Female forms were never the best choice if you were a male.

Unhenged, Sasori and Deidara rested serenely on the clay bird, although the atmosphere was a stone's throw from serene. Dumpster-molecules drifted away from the explosion here and there. Deidara searched intently for Kisame and Itachiko. If he rescued Itachiko, he would lord it over her for a long, long time. Or as much as he wanted to. Ho, ho.

Sasori was trying to cope with the fact that her partner had just unceremoniously manhandled her in a messy way. _It could have been worse. He could've touched my butt._ And with that, she stood up and gracefully walked toward Deidara.

Our favourite blonde(who is not Naruto, who is still helping Sasuke hide) was concentrating intently. An opportunity to come out on top must never be passed up. He was concentrating so much, in fact, that he forgot to bomb Konoha continuously. And anyway, his sitting position was too awkward and uncomfortable to throw things, especially clay. Sasori thought nothing of this, and kneeled down behind him.

And as she tapped him on the shoulder, she suddenly realized that kneeling was not the best thing to do. But nothing works out for the Akatsuki, doesn't it?

Predictably, Deidara spun round to meet Sasori's face head-on(insert forehead here), and suddenly they were kissing. Sasori's eyes widened, but she relaxed. And pulled back. And uncharacteristically blushed. And went back to her side of the bird.

Her explosion-happy partner just stared at her. A faint pink was trying to creep into his cheeks, but he killed it.***

Now is a very good time to tell you that I am bad at kissing scenes. I have done a few kissing scenes, and they hardly sound good, since I refuse to be cliché and corny. {It is not a good time to say that.} I knew that! I was being sarcastic. {Oh, really.} Yeah, really!

~abb~

"Zetsu, Pein called you."

"What could she possibly **not** want?"

"An attitude and lateness. Now go, she has a simple retrieval mission for you."

"An easy one? **I **we** bought a new mar-plant and I**—wewould like—**want to be here when it blossoms.**"

"Um. . . yes."

Zetsuka followed Konan.

~abb~

"Be sure to bring them all back, Zetsu," Peinko told her.

"Yes, **yes**," said Zetsuka impatiently.

"Well then. Off you go." The day was nearing an end, and she couldn't just stand here. So she went to make dinner. But with Konan, of course. Poor, poor Konan.

~abb~

Naruto put a cup of instant ramen in the microwave. "What was that all about?"

Sasuke sighed from his seat at the table. "Some crazy women stalked me at the compound; I tried to shake them off, but they forced me to go with them to Ichiraku's."

"Sasuke."

"Yes?" They had wisely talked and agreed that they would never ever talk about their kissing adventures, even in private.

"Never turn down free ramen."

"Dobe, I didn't turn it down. One of them—the one that kind of looked like a girl version of my brother—tried to molest me."

Naruto gasped. "Really? Teme, I didn't know you attracted girls too!"

"So you're saying I only attract boys?"

"Yeah—wait, I think Ino is a girl."

"Dobe, she is."

"Which leads me to wonder, teme, why Sakura is on our team. I thought each team cell was two-boys and a girl. I've tried to bond with him, and I've tried humouring him since he thinks he's a girl, but he acts like a girl and keeps punching me for no reason at all. Is Sakura attracted to boys?"

"Yes, on account of her being a _girl_."

Naruto gasped. And choked.

The microwave _ding!_ed and the moment Naruto touched the microwave door, the ramen cup was empty. Minato would be proud.

Sasuke's cup was still steaming, and he guessed that Naruto's had been steaming too, only he had probably finished it before he could feel the sear of boiling noodles on his tongue. {A bad try at poetic writing.} Shaddap.

The Uchiha was surprised. Which is weird, since he is a shinobi and is also probably used to Naruto's speed in eating ramen. Naruto had certainly improved, but this was just too fast.

"Dobe."

"Teme?"

"Just how fast _are_ you?"

Naruto grinned cheekily. "Hiraishin-fast."

~abb~

Kisame wiped a tiny, microscopic bead of sweat off her brow. These monsters couldn't be killed, and they were now rapidly growing their skin around the head parts after peeling the remainder of it off. Nothing would affect them, since they seemed to be immune to genjutsu and had no chakra. Also, infinite stamina. She would have to see about getting Leader-chan to recruit these little buggers.

"Is that. . . Zetsu? What happened to her black part?"

Indeed, Zetsuka's black part was completely striped in a weird combination of colors, such as green and pinkish-blue-yellow, and her appendages were disguised as. . . _fans_?

She reached them. "I was ordered to escort everybody back home, seeing as it has taken you more than just a few hours to get back safely. **The both of you are subject to one of Leader-chan's torture devices for leaving the Akatsuki base without permission**."

Kisame sweated for real. "But, why me? She starte—"

"**You may be able to get off without punishment, if you capture a Jinchuuriki.** But for now, we must find the other members and get back to base in time for dinner. You know how Leader-chan gets when nobody shows up for dinner."

Kisame nodded. "She goes ballistic."

"I have only seen Leader furious twice, and even Konan was terrified to go near him." Itachi joined the conversation.

And as they idly chatted about Peinko's temper, monsters shot their machine guns into the sky, which was followed by a barrage of kunai, a flying clay bird, shrewd haggling, and a furiously squealing pig.

~abb~

Tobi held her barbecue sauce jar possessively to her chest. Not that anybody would actually try to take it from her, since they were all out on a big mission, but nevertheless, you could never be careful with Akatsuki these days, even if they were far away in a hidden villlage. One loose grip could cost you your most valuable possession. In Tobi's case, it was her "BSJ", which meant "BBQ SAUCE JAR".

Akatsuki had cured her of her human flesh addiction, but her new barbecue-sauce one may very well have been able to prompt a relapse. See, Tobi didn't like the flesh in particular. She only liked the barbecue sauce. And the feel of chewing something tender. Put two and two together, and voila! Instant Tobi Ambrosia! It was similar to—no, it was exactly like Itachi's dango and Naruto's ramen.

Even if they had run out of actual meat(due to barbecue sauce-related reasons), Tobi did not want to return to cannibalism. Instead, she started hunting around for more food. More food, more happiness. And more happiness meant no craving for sugar. No craving for sugar meant no hyper, which led to inevitable explosions, Mangekyo, or paper cuts! All of that translates to more food, no hyper. No food, more hyper. I'm telling you this because you don't get it. You think you get it, which is not the same as actually getting it. Got it?

And while I'm sort-of quoting Kakashi, our masked girl stumbles upon the Seventeenth Door. Trouble? Yes. A conclusion to this long chapter? Sort of.

Tobi quickly undid all the locks and stepped in, not forgetting to lock it again on the way. That silly paranoid little Peinko.

~abb~

Sasori and Deidara had finally chosen a landing spot and were heading towards Hidanko and Kakuza. "Hey, un!"

Hidanko started. She had started to fall asleep after not being able to do anything else other than fight some stupid ugly little things, and watch Kakuza fiddle with boring economic stuff on her Hybrid Thing, which will now be referred to as HT01. Neither of the Zombie Combo had remembered their mission, instead opting to mess up as much as possible. Seeing Sasori and Deidara had made Hidanko remember what they were supposed to be doing. "Hey, little _gravy. _We were sent to get you, Sharkgirl and Weasel_gravy_."

"We were supposed to get Itachi and Kisame," Sasori replied. "Although you seem to have forgotten; you haven't been very helpful."

"What? _Gravy_! You were here to get _them_?"

"Yes, strange that Leader-chan sent all of us out, except for Zetsu and Tobi."

Kakuza looked up from her HT01. "Don't worry; if it consoles you, Tobi and Zetsu will always appear when you least expect it. Although if you try to guess it, that would make it when you most expect it. Completely different."

"I—" Deidara was interrupted by a loud scream.

"AKATSUKI!11!one!"

Villagers suddenly started flailing about and screaming, bumping into each other in the process, which led to a big domino around the city. Dogs barked, Tonton screeched, Sakura and Ino looked up from their books in the hospital wards, Kakashi looked up from Icha Icha, and several machine guns were pointed at the jolly little church across the alley.

"Oh, joy," Sasori muttered.

~abb~

The conversing group of three jumped at the scream. They looked around wildly, but nobody seemed interested in them but the monsters.

"Close call," muttered Zetsuka. "**For once, I wholeheartedly agree with you**."

Kisame and Itachiko nodded.

~abb~

Suddenly, though, there was a low growl that you could still hear it, but only if you strained your ears. It sounded like thunder from a mile away. People automatically looked up. No, nothing was there. But you couldn't be too careful.

In minutes, the streets were void of any soul, except for those of the Akatsuki, and the beasts. It would have looked cooler if it was raining, but it wasn't, so let's get on with our lives. Chop-chop and all that.

And the chase was on.

It seemed that every monster in Konoha targeted the Akatsuki.

It ended at the Hokage Monument.

~abb~

Tobi walked through the village. _Nothing has changed_, she thought amusedly. _Ah, well. A few things have been added here and there. I should go laugh at the monument._

It was a short trip to the huge carved-up mountain with a bunch of faces in it. Deidara would probably be up there. Believe it or not, (believe it!)she had listened in on everything that had happened since that very morning. Okay, okay. It was stalker-ish, she knew. But how else would Tobi learn of any mutinies or bets?

Once up there, she started kicking the Shodaime's nose.

"That's"—kick—"what"—kick—"you"—kick—"get, you"—kick—"infernally annoying"—kick—"_gravy_." And a final kick for emphasis.

Tobi turned around.

Then it was at that very moment that she saw her first Walking-Bone-Muscle-And-Intestine-Monster.

She pulled out her BSJ. Tonight, we dine on barbecue sauce.

~abb~

Deidara silently tried to strangle Itachiko while everybody was looking in the other direction. Unfortunately, or fortunately, whichever way you take it, Itachiko survived and was giving him a pseudo-Tsukuyomi. A pseudo-Tsukuyomi is perhaps the worst genjutsu Itachiko has ever developed. It involves promising the victim endless pain, while the victim just stands there and keeps asking himself (or herself)if he had just undergone the Tsukuyomi and completely forgotten about it.

"Grr," a monster bit out.

They involuntarily took a step back. The dust they stepped on crumbled and fell over the edge of the cliff. They all looked down.

'Twas a sheer drop.

Suddenly, an orange-and-black figure started running up the side of the monument.

Tobi unscrewed the lid on her beloved BSJ.

"Care to join me, Zu Zu?" Zetsuka nodded, and a hauntingly evil smiled stretched her face. It stretched it so much you could see it from Wave Country.

~abb~

**(Sakura and Ino Hospital Ward Omake)**

After the explosion, Sakura and Ino had tried their best to Shunshin to the hospital. Unfortunately, they had to teleport again and again. Shunshin one mile, rest, and shunshin the next. It was a tiring cycle.

Five miles later, they had finally reached the hospital, only to give simultaneous sighs and fall facedown onto the dusty road. Also, a trace of dog excrement, but hey. A shinobi lives through more than just a step of poop. Just ask Akatsuki. They've gotten their fair share of landmines. {No way. Even an S-Rank criminal organization would think that stepping on poop is worse than stepping on a mine.} Will you stop about the poop joke. {I just started.}

They had reassured each other that they were fine, and they really just needed to go, somebody did have to get Tonton after all, that poor pig, left behind in the stampede, but the nurses had refused to let them go and all but handcuffed them into their beds.

Kakashi had visited, but only to get away from training, had sat there reading his little book, and had slyly left it on the bedside table as he left to use the bathroom. Or the loo. Or the john.

Anyway, Ino, who was as bored as Lee not getting any training, reached for the orange book. Boredom can lead one to do strange things.

Yes, we just lost another one to the Make-out Paradise.

**A~N: OVER THREE THOUSAND!**

***SasuNaru! Woot! **

****I want one. But not as much as I want a tablet.**

*****A reference to Ryan Higa's video, How to be Emo:**

"**My name is. . . dead. Because I killed it."**

"**My name is. . . Bobby!"**

**Once again, I own nothing. Prompts and reviews?**


	11. Chapter 10: Milkshakes!

**A~N: In this episode of ABB, SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE! Just kidding.**

**CHRISTMAS BREAK! /fistpump (For the record, this was supposed to be on 21, but it turned out that I couldn't update until 23. Oh, shaddap. At least I have a quick follow-up update. Yeaapp.)**

**Disclaimer: Aren't you tired of the disclaimers? Look at the previous chapters. There.**

~abb~

The Sandaime massaged his temples. What to do about the Akatsuki mess? It had been a major problem involving a stampede, a dead priest, and the Monument's Shodaime having a broken nose.

It would be enough to give him a complete headache-migraine-hangover without even having to drink. Tsunade would immediately resign. After all, who wants a job that makes you do paperwork and gives you devastating hangovers without even needing to drink? Insert a sad face here.

But the real question was, and I'm repeating this, {No, duhh} what was the best way to deal with the devastation left behind in the wake of the stampede? The Sandaime went over the smaller problems.

First, there had been those weird monsters. They had been rumoured to be flayed alive and become espers in just a few minutes. He had decided to seek them out for himself when word came back that they had just been eaten by two cannibals, one wearing an orange mask, and the other with a stripy left side. Both were reported to be women. Insert "I am a girl!" speech here.

This baffled him. Why would two women eat superhuman monsters? _How_ could two women eat said superhuman monsters? Lastly, how could _anyone_ _eat_ them? It was simply illogical. He would have to see a psychiatrist again.

(The only shrink in Fire Country had been held in jail for attempting suicide, and was now on parole.)

Second, so-called relatives of the esper-eating duo had been sighted around town, and one of them had even been the reason for the first problem. They had also had familiar chakra patterns similar to those of certain missing-nin. These oddly-patterned females must not be underestimated. He jotted that note down in his brain for later.

Also, Sasuke Uchiha had come in, complaining and complaining about one of those women that looked like his brother who tried to assault him and that woman's partner or friend or whatever and blah blah blah. Generally, the young boy had added to his headache-migraine-hangover. The Hokage had patiently listened, then started to tune it out with a happy tune in his head. He had determinedly fixed his eyes on a point near Sasuke's head so it seemed like he was looking at him and listening.

He fancied himself looking like a cat on cyanide, smiling and staring out to space. In reality, it was the opposite, since he was experienced at this, but still. There weren't any mirrors in the office or anything, so the trick was to imagine yourself doing the opposite of what you're really doing, so you're doing what you want to be doing while imagining yourself doing what you also want to be doing but it would be ridiculous if you would be doing it. {Woahhh.} Deep, right? {Yes, brah.}

Third, somebody who had (reportedly) been travelling through time from four years later, had caused the thunder, followed by the massive stampede. Perhaps it was somebody who had a space/time ninjutsu. Where they were going, they still needed roads.

Who was that person? Surely they must also not be underestimated, like the weirdly-colored women seen around. He would have to think about dispatching a few jonin. Time-travelling, screaming civilian with a penchant for adding ones at the end of exclamations. Yes, that was a great description. No doubt he would be given a few odd looks, but he was sure that they would eventually find him or her.

Fourth, the Monument had a broken-nosed Shodaime. It had to be repaired. Nobody had offered to do this, as it was a tedious task, but surely somebody would volunteer. Perhaps, Naruto? Yes, with Naruto's wind chakra, he would slice it off and somebody with earth release would fix it. It would be introduced as training, not janitor duty.

That took care of that problem, but it would be even harder to fix it, since there were massive amounts of barbecue sauce and intestines scattered about. It wasn't exactly easy to slice a big rock off a bigger rock with a duodenum clinging to a blood-spattered spine dangling in your face.

Fifth, a church had been trashed and its priest had been killed. The funeral was scheduled tomorrow, because there was no need for an autopsy, since it was clearly easy to determine the cause of death: he had been perfectly happy and healthy, a thirty year-old with a wife and a kid, when he got stabbed with his own knife after foolishly putting it in a position that invited somebody to push it and impale him. One of the women had done so, tackling him and proceeding to beat him to death. She was about a hundred pounds or so, seeing as the knife had sliced clear into his backbone and had been embedded into the sidewalk. Ouch.

All of the above had been figured out at a single glance. Actually, somebody had been standing there all the while, selling a Hybrid gadget to keep cover, and had slunk back into the shadows, all while trying an annoying habit and practicing their Mexican accent. Their pay should be raised.

W-w-wait. What's Mexican? How did that get in the Naruto Universe? {Crazy author.} Yeah, probably. Hey! You again! {Me again.} {Know each other, brooo?} Of course, he was your substitute. {Oh, yeahhh, I was at the surfies. Competitionnn.} Oh. Win anything? {Yeahhh. Champion, brah!} Fistbump!

Lastly, Ino was addicted to Icha Icha. The Sandaime facepalmed. It seemed that the Icha Icha Epidemic was quickly spreading. Not that it was a danger to Konoha's stability as a village and all that, but it wasn't going to be very threatening to other villages if the majority of the minority carried an orange book with them at all times and, in the middle of a battle, pulled it out and started reading intently. Worse, if they giggled like a certain silver-haired jonin. Oh, god, no. No.

Sasuke stopped from his rambling("and now my shoes are scuffed and I smell like ramen") and looked at him curiously. He couldn't help it. "Excuse me, Hokage"—notice the lack of honorifics—"did you just facepalm?"

"That would be correct, Sasuke."

"What did you facepalm at?"

"The, uh, monument."

"Why?"

"It is hideously deformed."

"Ah. Yes, yes it is."

~abb~

The Akatsuki were nursing headache-migraines. Without the hangovers. And because they were so evil, very, very evil, they liked hangovers! Watch out guys, we're dealing with a badass over here.

They were snuggled in their beds after a beat-up by Peinko and Konan. Let's flashback, shall we?

_The band all leaned against the door, wearily. Their headaches were beginning to form into migraines. _

_Peinko opened the door, her face composed in a steely glare. 'And how were your missions?_

_Akatsuki fell into the living room. Peinko stepped aside, and made no move to let them get around her. She locked the door. _

_They scuffled their shoes. 'It was. . . okay,' Kisame said bravely. 'We all g-got back, right?' It would've been impressive if she didn't stutter in the middle of the last sentence._

_They started to try to move around their Leader, but they were quickly blocked._

'_Kisame, that is all you have to say?'_

_Said sharkette stared at her feet. Interesting feet. 'Well. . . u-um, it was all Itachi's fault!'_

_Itachiko gave her a half-pseudo-Tsukuyomi, which is a lot worse than a pseudo-Tsukuyomi, which is worse than an actual Tsukuyomi. Kisame cringed. She would have to pay later._

_Peinko kept on staring at them. Then she narrowed her eyes. 'From what Konan told me, you caused quite a stir in Konoha, and somebody knows all about our organization.'_

'_They j-j-just knew the n-name,' murmured Zetsuka. '__**Hardly anything to f-fret about.**__'_

_Leader-chan, as Deidara would say later, broke. 'IS THAT IT? HARDLY ANYTHING TO FRET ABOUT? I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU ALL INTO NEXT WEEK—NO, NEXT _YEAR_! YOU LITTLE—"_

Scary flashback.

"I don't feel so good. . .un."

"I'm still smarting from those** painful, painful**__paper whips."—add disinfectant—" **It hurt so much**. Stop whining. **Same goes for you**."

"Of course you don't. Who"—cough, hack, blood spit—"would take a thousand p-paper"—cough—"cuts to the face and, and like it?"

'K-kisame, don't forget, Leader b-burned my thousand dollars." Hack, wheeze, wipe the blood off.

"_Gravy_. . . I"—blood spatter—"will never _gravy _forget it, for_ gravy ever._" Hidanko picked at the new stitching around her neck. "She sliced my head off ten times! Seriously, she was _gravied_ off."

"Yes, we discussed that," added Itachiko. "I was sure she would go ballistic, and I was right. She made me stare at myself in a mirror and give myself a Tsukuyomi. I didn't know you could give yourself a genjutsu."

Sasori was genuinely surprised. "I'm genuinely surprised," said she. "There are things you do not know after all."

"I-I was wondering, Sasori-no-danna, un." Deidara had washed off before anyone had the chance to get their towels ready, but that didn't mean he didn't have bandages.

"Yes?"

Insert a familiar feeling of suspense here. Okay, okay, I admit, it was used in a previous chapter. Oh, quiet!

"Why were we"—hack—"I mean, Itachi, Kisame, Kakuzu, Hidan, Zetsu and I"—Sasori approved of his grammar—"the most targeted, un?"

"That's a good question, Deidara. And the answer is, Kakuzu killed a priest, Hidan helped kill the priest, Itachi started the whole thing, Kisame let her start it, Zetsu didn't bring us back in time and you exposed us."

"But you exposed us t-t-too, un!" Deidara spluttered indignantly. "A-are you saying, that—that she has favouritism over y-you?"

"I'm one of Leader's oldest subordinates, and you could call us old friends. As for you, you're the youngest one in the group. It is not my fault that she tried favouritism. And she told me that she felt that I was going to die first, but not at her hand, so may as well live like I'm already dying."

"O. . . kay."

"Any more questions?"

"Why did Orochimaru leave A-Akatsuki, un?"

"Why does everybody keep asking about that?" spat Itachiko. Blood dribbled down her chin. Oops. "He wanted my—then male—body, and I kicked him out, so please shut up about that! Any actual questions?"

"Stupid Uchiha, un. Last question. Where's Tobi, un?" At the end of the question, Deidara looked at the almost-angry Itachiko and whispered, "U mad, bro?" with emphasis on the 'U'. The raven took no notice.

"Huh. I didn't notice she wasn't here." Sasori clearly had no actual answer this time. "I have no actual answer this time."

"Hn."

~abb~

Konan sat, forever alone, in his personal study and sighed. And shook his head.

(This was the exact same time that the Sandaime facepalmed.)

The huge piles of paperwork neatly stacked on his desk added to the general white cleanliness that existed only in this room. Even Peinko's office had nothing on it.

Konan started making origami swans, then sumo wrestlers, then cats, then butterflies. The study soon turned into a zoo full of white paper animals. He absorbed them all. "Guh, nothing to do now."

He then turned his head to look at the wall out of boredom. Sure, beating up a bunch of girls(and a boy) was fun, but it just made things seem anticlimactic after whipping, owning, and burning aforementioned bunch of girls (and one boy). Not in that order.

He saw the calendar. It was December _already_? Christmas time was just around the corner, but he was too busy with all that Peinko flirting(thank God _that _wasover) and the shopping and the all around stress. And there was paperwork to be sorted, for Kami's sake!

(Konan was confused as to which boxes he should tick; Is it an organization fully aware of, and able to take advantage of its gender? Was everybody in a healthy condition? Would they take anything seriously? Were they able to mess up anything?)

And speaking of sake, he could really use a drink right now. Damn the files and the boredom! Those huge stacks of nothing but a waste of ink were not as valuable as his social life! Or, or his drinking life!

Konan head-desked. Multiple times. Oh God, it was too much to think about! One minute, he had been looking for something to appease the boredom, and now he was thinking about catching a beer when there was paperwork to do! Also, Christmas! With the gifts and all that!

~abb~

Peinko looked up briefly. That sounded like somebody head-desking. Ah well, it was probably Konan. He was _probably_ too stressed now, and he had probably remembered that Christmas was near.

She chuckled and continued fiddling with something secret.

. . .

It's a secret, so I won't tell you.

~abb~

Deidara looked at Akatsuki. "No, un. No."

"But our hair's chopped and fried and we look like complete messes!" Kisame had a point there, but he was not going to back down.

"Never!"

"Do it, brat."

He backed down.

~abb~

Two hours later, everybody had luscious hair, courtesy of Deidara and his assistant, Itachiko. Assistant was the highest position he would ever give her. Ever.

Sasori looked like she had crawled out of bed. The bed of rainbows, lollipops, and Smexyness. But then again, that is what she usually looks like.

Tobi had the cutest pigtails. It suited her, um, playful(hyperactive) personality.

Kisame's hair was tied up into a ponytail that looked like a shark fin.

Kakuza had combed her hair back, for once, and some strands had decided to fan around her head. Corny, I know, but at least it doesn't take me a whole paragraph.

Hidanko looked like something from a James Bond movie. And yes, one of those beautiful women, not James Bond himself. After all, how could the female Akatsuki look like men? {Well-} Shaddap.

Zetsu's hair was braided in a style somewhat similar to one of those vines. I dunno, did you just notice I'm too lazy to describe hair? {Yes.} But, I _am_ describing it, somewhat ironically? {Yes, yes.}

Peinko now had all her hair gathered up in a ponytail, thereby separating her from her second Animal Path which doesn't exist yet in this timeline!

Konan refused to have his hair touched. _Such a pity_, Deidara thought. He had finally been getting into it. _The marvels I could do with neat blue hair._ And Kisame's hair wasn't neat. It was luscious now. Which would definitely not do.

Of course, the hair stylist had offered to blow their hair up, but since nobody wanted to be bald, and since Akatsuki treasured their prized follicles, he had been shot down. _Such a pity, _he had repeated in his mind. _Such a pity_.

~abb~

**(Hair Process Omake)**

Itachiko peered over a dozen shampoo bottles and products. And gel. And conditioner. And. . . antifreeze?

"What is the antifreeze doing here?"

"Assistant,"—she wrinkled her nose five millinanometers—"you do know that I must get revenge at Kakuzu for stealing my five hundred, un."

"Ah. I know it."

An hour later, Kakuza took one look at the mirror and started to steam. (Steam, not scream.) {I know it.}

She steamed so hard that all the vegetables in the immediate vicinity started turning delicious.

Another hour later, matters were settled and Kakuza was smiling triumphantly over the—even more bruised, if that's possible—body of Deidara. "That's what you get for freezing off my—"

"I know it, un."

**A~N: Count the references and memes I've added in here! **

**Sorry for all the "I know it"s in the omake. I've been reading Because of Winn-Dixie, which I finished in under a minute. I'm not showing off, it's just that I've read it before! {Denial!} I thought I kicked you out of here. {I don't remember any such thing.} /kicks**


	12. Chapter 11: Eggnog!

**A~N: This is the follow-up mentioned in the previous chapter. Fufufu!**

**Also. MERRY CHRISTMAS! HOHOHAHHAHK ARGH! (Updated this chapter at exactly twelve o'clock, officially Christmas Day.)**

**I fought with myself over how I would update this, and the side that said "put it all in one chapter" won, so. . . .**

**Disclaimer: I'm in Chapter Three. Hey, don't open that door! I'm discarding my liquid waste in a mundane manner! Which means I'm peeing. In a mundane manner.**

~abb~

The morning was yet to start, until Deidara started it.

"On the first day of Christmas, my true love"—here he glanced at _somebody_—"gave to me. . . ."

Akatsuki waited with bated breath as the blonde gathered oxygen for his long, long breath.

". . . A CLAY BIRD IN AN. . . EXPLODING MUSHROOM CLOUD OF WHITE-HOT LIGHT WHICH IS CLASSIFIED AS TRUE ART!"

"Yeah!"

"Woot!"

"**Hungry**."

"Hn."

"Konan, where's Tobi?" Peinko asked Konan.

"Went out the back door. Don't ask me where she is again. I only know how she went away."

"Where's Tobi, again?"

"Pein."

"Okay, okay. Sheesh."

Dinner that day was. . . eventful. Nah, just kidding. It was inflated with tension for no particular reason, and Tobi's gleeful bouncing just made it more awkward.

"Tobi, stop _bouncing_."

"Hai!" Giggle, giggle.

"**Dinner**__steak** delicious **food, I mean, Tobi, stop giggling."

"Hai!" Muffled giggles.

~abb~

"On the second day of Christmas, my true love"—Deidara tried to catch her eye, but she was looking somewhere else in front of her at nothing—"gave to me. . . ."

Akatsuki stared at the redhead interestedly as she started gathering breath, almost unnoticeably. She was not going to let _Deidara_ of all people best _her_, Sasori no Akasuna!

". . . TWO TURTLE-SHELLED HIRUKO PUPPETS THAT CAN NEVER BE DESTROYED AND ARE CLASSIFIED AS TRUE ART SINCE THEY CAN BE REMEMBERED FOREVER and a. . . clay bird in a miraculously exploding tree. Which is not art."

"Wow, let yourself loose, haven't you, Sasori?"

"Yeah! Beer all around!"

"Hn. Hnn."

"Hey, why didn't _I_ get offered beer, un?"

"Underage." Kisame patted him on the head and took a swig.

"I'm not—"

"You _**are**_."

"O-okay."

That night, Kakuza saw Tobi sneaking some boxes in through the back door. "Tobi, what is that?"

"It is nothing, Grandma Kakuzu, just some things. . . Tobi is a good girl. . . and is that a hundred bill?"The masked girl was adding layers of mesmerizing hypnotism like one does with pancakes. The diversion of Kakuza's attention was the maple syrup. And the butter? Tobi hid the butter so well that she could only find it after searching through her brain ten thousand times.

"Where?"

~abb~

"On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. . . ."

Akatsuki turned their heads. They didn't realize that _Itachiko_ of all people would start the third day.

". . . Three almost-French brothers with a vengeance for killing their sister, two turtle-shelled puppets, and a clay bird in an untastefully decorated tree."

"_Hey_, un!"

"_More_ beer!"

"Champagne, too!"

"Woot!"

_That _night consisted of a meeting between Peinko and Konan.

"I've noticed that. . . ."

"Yes, we should. . . ."

"Do you think. . . ."

"No, the one with. . . ."

"Hm. . ."

"I said the one _with _the. . ."

Yes, not very revealing, but by this time, you, inquisitive reader that you are, have probably guessed what it is by now. {You left me no clue.} Har har!

~abb~

"On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me. . ."

Kakuza was glaring furiously at Hidanko, who chose to take no notice of her ANGRY, MAD glare. Akatsuki started getting their alcohol ready.

". . . Four thousand-ryo bills, three almost-French brothers, two turtle-shelled puppets, and a clay bird in an exploding tree."

"Yeah!"

"Beer!"

"Eggnog!"

"**Beer spiked with** eggnog!"

"Isn't it the other way around, un?"

"Who gives a _gravy_!"

That night, Tobi was clearly and visibly sneaking some very jingly, rattling, _hissing?_ stuff. Well, she was clear and visible if you had all the doujutsu combined, and _then_ it would take a great amount of effort on your part.

"Sasori-no-Danna?"

"Yes, brat?"

"May I ask a question, un?"

"No. Go awa—"

_Rattle!_ (Sounds like something a Pokemon would say.)

"AAH! What was that, un?" The extra exclamation points could be heard.

"Get off of me."

"Not until we find out what that was, un!"

"Brat. . . ."

"I'll only leave if you help me!" Sasori groaned and complied.

A few steps, feet, and steps on feet later, the pair were standing in the living room.

"I think it came from over there, un."

". . ."

". . ."

"There's nothing here, brat."

"Oh."

_Hiss!_

"W-What was that?"

"Brat. There is nothing there. Shut up and go back to sleep."

"C-can I share a b-bed with you? Oh c-crap, I think I wet my pants."

Sasori facepalmed.

~abb~

"On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me. . . ."

Kisame smiled winningly. Akatsuki filed over to the cooler in a happy, expecting manner.

". . . FIIIVE GOLDEN SHARK FINS! Four thousand ryo, three almost-French brothers, two turtle-shelled puppets, and a clay bird in an exploding tree!"

"BEER-EGGNOGS! WOOT!"

"Pass me the bottle opener!"

"Oh, yeah, un. Here."

"What are we gonna use _this_ for?"

"Uh, beer?"

"Oh, yes. Some beer would be nice, right, Zetsu?"

"**Yes**, we would like some **a lot of**__beer."

Deidara sweatdropped. He had forgotten to buy beer today. Of course, it had all run out yesterday. With the eggnog. And he had bought five eight-packs yesterday! Was that not enough for their beer gut-yearning stomachs? "I bought five eight-packs! Is that not enough for your beer gut-yearning stomachs? Now I have to walk all the way back to the store!"

And true enough, they had beer guts, which they burned up rapidly with chakra. So they were there for a minute, but then they would disappear.

"Did you just call us alcoholics!"

"No—"

"Because **we are **_**NOT**_!"

"I—"

"Are you trying to _gravy_ lower our _gravy_ self-esteem!"

"Why would—"

"Because IT IS NOT LOWERED!"

Deidara sighed and went off to buy beer. Hidanko joined him, and proceeded to pull out a spike for dismembering carollers.

That night, Tobi dragged one of her boxes into the living room.

"What's that, Tobi?" Hidanko was on the couch, casually munching on an apple.

Wait, scratch that.

"What's that, Tobi?" Hidanko was on the couch, casually munching on something that was definitely not a fruit.

"It's Christmas decorations!"

"Great, I don't have any _gravy_ thing to _gravy _do. I'll help set them up." Tobi squealed in pure glee. Or whatever people call happiness these days. {Joy, gayness, glee—} Shaddap.

"What's this about Hidan helping Tobi set something up? I will not fall privy to your matchmaking!" Itachiko would have to think about—

"We're gonna set up _gravy_ Christmas decorations, you twat!"

"Did you just call me a twat?"

Hidanko paled. "No—"

"Too late! Amaterasu!

After the flames had been put out, the Jashinist was left with a scar she would remember forever. Nah, just kidding, it was on the bottom of her foot where she'd stomped at the fire like crazy, so, yes, she couldn't see it.

~abb~

Zetsuka bumped into the huge Christmas tree dominating the living room. "What the—**hey!"**

Rubbing her left appendage fondly, she walked around the enormous, over-decorated tree.

Akatsuki were waiting for her to start the morning and lead the way to numerous alcoholic-eggnog encounters.

"Okay, okay. **You normal humans are quite testy**. I agree." Note that she said testy, not tasty. TESTY.

"On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love **worst** **enemy** gave to me **us**, six eggnog-beer things. **Yeah, that has a ring to it**." She didn't even finish everything. She only sang that one line and went out to check on her poinsettias.

"Hey! Get back here!"

"How disappointing!"

"Hnn!" Even Itachiko was severely disappointed.

Nevertheless, they went on drinking. And burping, occasionally.

That night, they strung up the Christmas lights.

Akatsuki sat outside and waited for Deidara as he turned everything on and took the cookies out of the oven. And they were amazed.

The base looked beautiful, the golden bulbs making it look like it was strung all around with stars. It looked like it was glowing in a warm honey glow. One glance alone would make you remember it forever.

"Wow," Peinko whispered. "All my years in this organization, I haven't seen something this. . . this. . . ."

". . . Amazing," Konan finished for her.

"I'm glad we did this, un. Cookie?" Deidara arrived with a big tray. They accepted the cookies.

~abb~

"ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO MEEE—SEVEN LOLLIPOPS SWIMMING IN HAPPY LAND, six eggnog-beer things, FIVE—"

Akatsuki groaned and muffled the sound of Tobi's screaming with their pillows. Yes, it was only three o'clock. Very early for an organization that woke up at—and this is the most evil thing about Akatsuki—FIVE O'CLOCK! Shocking, I know. Unless you're one of those people that wake up at five a.m. In that case I salute you. {I salute you too.}

"Tobi. Shut the. . ." Hidanko started snoring again.

"OKAY! TOBI WILL JUST MAKE ALCOHOLIC PANCAKES!"

And everything went silent again.

Deidara started to go back to sleep until he realized what she said. "Alcoholic panca—snore."

Breakfast that day was punctuated with completely alcoholic pancakes. They were so full of alcoholic content that the first bite sent Peinko reeling. Hey, don't blame her. Tobi had completely emptied the liquor cabinet for these special pancakes. Except for the old, antique wine, of course. Tobi owned those. Expensive things.

Dinner was completely filled with tension as Akatsuki finally realized that it was five days until Christmas.

Also, hangovers worse than they were used to. Their ears pounded harder as Konan, filled with pity for them(Peinko had banned everybody from alcohol for twenty years, but he, Konan, had convinced her to shorten it to a day; such is the power of Peinko's 'infatuation'), started blending eggnog for them.

_KSSSSHHH!_ Kisame moaned and cradled her head. Hidanko followed suit.

_BBBJJJJJH! _ Zetsuka fell over, facedown.

_VRRRRNG! _Sasori stood up, walked over to Konan, and switched off the blender. Those sitting at the table sighed in relief.

_HRMMMM! _The blender started up again.

"Nooo," Akatsuki groaned.

~abb~

"On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me. . . ."

Hidanko grinned and her chest started puffing out.

". . . EIGHT _gravy _AWESOME SACRIFICE RITUALS INVOLVING CAROLLERS TO THE GREAT AWESOME JASHIN-SAMA, seven lollipops in 'happy land', six. . . ."

As Hidanko finished the song, Tobi pulled out a wallet and started counting out ryo bills.

Kakuza casually walked over. "What is that?"

"We are. . . ."

Kakuza raised an eyebrow.

"going. . . ."

Kakuza's other eyebrow rose to join its twin.

"shopping again." And, before what she said registered in their minds, Tobi quickly added, "Christmas shopping, you know, for gifts."

"Oh."

"About time, un!"

"_Gravy_ yeah! Finally!"

"Hn. I've been wondering when we'd go shopping again."

The senior management agreed with this idea. They picked the mall after convincing Kakuza a million times over. Even then, she was still completely reluctant.

When they set off, the mall was crowded. There was no room to breathe, let alone walk. But Itachiko quickly solved that with a well-guided fireball. The civilians and ninjas alike ran out, screaming. Probably because they had seen their own personal nightmares inside the fire. Kisame smiled proudly.

They split up. The reason they did this was because nobody wanted the others to see what they bought for each other. On the way there, Konan had convinced Deidara to buy Itachiko something decent, not some hideous sculptures that would blow up in her face the moment she touched one.

On the way home, Akatsuki stuffed their bags of presents inside their robes. Hidanko casually pushed down a long, narrow box sticking out of her collar and whistled innocently. Peinko smoothed down a huge bump in her robe.

~abb~

The remaining days went by quickly as they baked cookies for Santa, themselves, and especially sugar-free ones for Tobi. They had agreed to stop starting mornings with a new bit for the song, after the Alcoholic Pancake fiasco. On Christmas Eve, they woke up with a feeling of dread. _Something_ would happen, they just did not know what.

Kakuza walked out of her room, groggily. Her hair was decidedly trying to make a mess of itself and was attempting to resist everything she threw at it. She even tried combing it, but nothing would work, Jashin-damn it! Oh, crap. Hidanko was rubbing off on her.

She walked into the living room whilst(I used a British word! Hooray!) trying to untangle her hair with her fingers. At that same moment, Tobi barrelled into her, full-force. "HELP ME, GRANNY!"

This instantly made Kakuza sincerely regret trying to find Deidara and his amazing brush of magic.

Now, let's not rush into things, shall we? The reason Tobi tackled Kakuza in her escape was because of an angry Itachiko. A very, very angry Itachiko. This can only be expressed by a flashback, so, flashback time!

"_Sempai, can I go eat my cookies now?"_

"_Yes, whatever. I'm glad we made them sugar-free, un."_

_Ten seconds later._

"_WHEEEE!" Tobi literally flew around the kitchen and started opening random cabinets in the search for sugar. Too bad the sugar was hidden somewhere, but she could distinctly smell sugar in the fridge. She smiled happily. "SUGAR!"_

_See, our favorite masked girl had secretly dumped a big amount of sugar and barbecue sauce in the batter for her special cookies. While no one was looking. Thus, our current dilemma._

"_Yay! Dango!" She tossed out all the other food items that she didn't care about and started inhaling the custom-made, delicately crafted dango. Oops, she did not inhale them. She simply drizzled them with barbecue sauce, rammed them down her throat and swallowed, sticks and all. "YUM!"_

_It was then that our favorite weaselette walked in. She was in a particularly good mood today. She was going to greet the others "good morning". Unfortunately, the aforementioned good mood was thrown, burned, and stomped to pieces when she saw what Tobi was doing. This was it. The one thing that Artemis hadn't told her—I mean, the thing that they all dreaded since two hours ago when they woke up._

"_TSUKUYOMI! NO, NO, AMATERASU!" Itachiko looked around wildly for the perpetrator of this crime(giving Tobi sugar). Finding nobody, (Deidara had snuck out two seconds ago)she decided to take her anger out, full-force on Tobi. Luckily for Tobi, but not for Itachiko, she dodged the black fire and dispelled the illusion subconsciously with a speed known only in a SUPER!Sharingan user. As in, she moved with the grace of a one hundred-year old Mangekyou user._

_Hidanko walked in from the front door. "Awesome! I killed fifteen carollers today!"_

_Kakuza walked into the living room, where the chase had spread. Her hair was particularly tangly today._

Yes, it was rather quick, wasn't it? Although I did try not to rush it. One cannot just put in fillers for the time skips, even though the previous time skip was as short as ten seconds.

Anyway, there was now a high-speed chase around the Akatsuki base. The skid marks on the tiles were clear. The parts with black were now part-white. That was how fast they were. Hiraishin-fast.

Later, Peinko berated them both for turning their expensive black tiles into piles of dust. "It was a good thing you didn't get caught on the Christmas lights, though. We spent such a time putting them up that I would give you a fate worse than death if you brought them along with you," she said. "But this is Christmas Eve, so no worries. Just go out and celebrate."

That night, Santa Claus snuck in and was suffocated in their poison-laced chimney, courtesy of Sasori.

~abb~

Finally, it was Christmas Day.

Kisame woke up first and proceeded to wake up her partner to change into their Santa outfits.

The both of them woke up Tobi, who woke up Zetsuka, who woke up Kakuza, who woke up Hidanko, who woke up Deidara, who woke up Sasori, who woke up Konan, who woke up the Leader. They all sat in the living room, blankets wrapped around them, drinking hot chocolate. (Except for Sasori, who didn't need a blanket, and Zetsuka, who couldn't fit in the sofa and had to settle for the comfortable beanie bag[where did _that_ come from?].)

"It's finally Christmas."

Now, I won't tell you the exact events, and what exact gifts they got, but it was a very Merry Christmas after all.

No omake.

**A~N: Hah! Got you, didn't I? Built all that up for nothing! And no omake! I bet you hate me right now. Eh, eh? Also, I don't own Artemis Fowl.**


End file.
